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Ask Kai: Quickies (formally known as Quick Tips for the Apocalypse) is Xtra’s video series featuring sex and relationship advice from Kai Cheng Thom. If you want a deeper dive and have the time, Kai’s text-based column, Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse, is definitely worth checking out.
Text isn’t ideal, Kai Cheng advises, but the best type of break-up conversation is one you can actually do
“I’m a big fan of just asking questions because that is the way we are most likely to get clear answers,” Kai Cheng advises
In a shocking turn of events, Kai Cheng Thom suggests you simply ask
“I assure you, you are doing nothing wrong by asking to practice safer sex,” Kai advises
Spend some time together naked or in a bath without the goal being sex, Kai advises
“Whenever that kind of news comes as a surprise or comes secondhand or thirdhand, then it is likely to be hurtful,” Kai says
“The more we practice pleasure in a way that is slow enough for us actually to integrate it and really enjoy it without being overwhelmed,” Kai advises, “the more our capacity grows”
“I’m just going to go ahead and say, ‘Yes!’” Kai advises. “Go forth, with some caveats.”
Ask yourself if sexuality plays a primary role in intimacy, or if sexuality can be explored outside the relationship?
What’s important is that we are expressing interest, inviting consent and then we become erotic explorers
Give yourself permission to enter the realm of sexuality with an open mind, ready to get messy and make mistakes
Sexuality is definitely an experiment, but experiment with people not on people
Sex in general can be weird, but a great orgy starts with collective consent and continuous communication
A tricky question because there could be a lot of other questions behind it
Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe the real question is, “Why does that matter?”
When it comes to pleasure, it all boils down to exploration
Like mixing paints into new colours, erotic intimacy can be surprising
Some people might be into the fantasy and less into the actual experience
