How do I remove shame from sex?

“The more we practice pleasure in a way that is slow enough for us actually to integrate it and really enjoy it without being overwhelmed,” Kai advises, “the more our capacity grows”

“We want to be in the zone of consent, which means that we are enjoying it somewhat, or that we are willing, but we don’t have to be having amazing sex all the time,” Kai Cheng Thom says. “We should expect that our shame will kick in, that our grief will kick in, that our boredom or our numbness will kick in, at some point. And the idea here is to be ready for that, to welcome it and to be like, ‘Okay, my shame or my numbness or my boredom or my pain or my grief, they’re telling me I need a break before I take another scoop of pleasure.’” It’s our latest in the video series “Ask Kai: Quickies,” offering advice on love, sex and relationships.

Kai Cheng Thom is a writer, performer, and social worker who divides her heart between Montreal and Toronto, unceded Indigenous territories. She is the author of the Lambda Award-nominated novel Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars: A Dangerous Trans Girl's Confabulous Memoir (Metonymy Press), as well as the poetry collection a place called No Homeland (Arsenal Pulp Press). Her latest book, Falling Back in Love with Being Human, a collection of letters and poetry, is out now from Penguin Random House Canada.

Lito Howse (they/them) is a queer and trans/non-binary identified videographer, editor and producer based in Toronto. They previously worked for the CBC where they wrote TV stories, edited and control room produced for News Network. They also produced videos for CBC Radio and wrote web articles for shows like The Current and As It Happens, among other roles. They speak English.

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Video, Love & Sex, Video, Ask Kai: Quickies, Sex

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