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Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse

Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse was Xtra’s popular advice column by Kai Cheng Thom tackling everything from sex and relationships to mental health. It ran for over four years and was accompanied by the video series Ask Kai: Quickies (formerly known as Quick Tips for the Apocalypse). Kai’s new column is called Dangerous Space, in which she helps you unpack hot-button issues in the news, online and in popular culture—bringing nuance and compassion to conversations that often feel fraught.

Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse

When is it okay to ask someone with less privilege than you to cut you some slack?

Kai answers a reader whose conflict with a friend is further complicated by race, mental health and privilege

By Kai Cheng Thom

Ask Kai: Quickies

My partner became solo poly without telling me

“Whenever that kind of news comes as a surprise or comes secondhand or thirdhand, then it is likely to be hurtful,” Kai says

By Corey Misquita, Kai Cheng Thom

Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse

I sent some (fully dressed) selfies to a prospective date and they blocked me. What am I missing?

Kai helps a reader navigate the sometimes complicated world of personal boundaries

By Kai Cheng Thom

Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse

I have herpes. Do I have to tell every single partner about it?

“The hard-and-fast ethical rules we come up with in conversation often don’t feel as compelling in real life”

By Kai Cheng Thom

Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse

How much space should white-passing people take up in the antiracist movement?

I told my friend she needed to stop centring herself and step back, and she got upset. Was I being too harsh?

By Kai Cheng Thom

Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse

My friend has been lying about being poor for years. How can I ever trust them again?

Kai advises a reader whose friend bought a house with the help of family money—after spending more than a decade claiming to be working class

By Kai Cheng Thom

Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse

Am I a bad person for not wanting to talk about my friend’s dysphoria all the time?

“The mark of a healthy relationship is one that can withstand conflict and challenge, and simultaneously, one where everybody’s boundaries are respected.”

By Kai Cheng Thom

Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse

I see myself as different from cis women. Does that make me a ‘bad’ trans woman?

Kai advises a reader that “holding multiple truths is more complex than simply holding all truths to be equal—because not all beliefs are equal in social status and social power”

By Kai Cheng Thom

Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse

Is it ever the right choice to ‘cancel’ someone?

We’re heading into murky ethical territory, advice columnist Kai Cheng Thom cautions. But even in the darkest places, there is hope, healing and an abundance of life, in all its messy glory

By Kai Cheng Thom

Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse

I think my friend is misusing words like ‘accountability’ and ‘harm.’ What should I do?

Kai advises a reader who wants to honour her friend’s boundaries—without sacrificing her own

By Kai Cheng Thom

Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse

I crossed my partner’s sexual boundaries without even realizing it. What does that make me?

“Consent has many dimensions, and it can be really helpful to go into detail about what’s going on in any given interaction”

By Kai Cheng Thom

How do I know whether my relationship is abusive?

My girlfriend and I are experiencing a lot of high-intensity conflict and anger—which is making me question whether either of us is being abusive

By Kai Cheng Thom

Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse

My white friend is calling themselves a ‘shamanic’ healer. Should I tell them to stop?

Kai Cheng Thom weighs in on boundaries, cultural appropriation and how we can all grow through conflict

By Kai Cheng Thom

My girlfriend wants to sleep with her other partners, but not with me—is that selfish?

Kai advises a reader that relationship anarchy isn’t free from jealousy—or boundaries

By Kai Cheng Thom

Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse

My ex-roommate says I’m abusive for leaving my dirty dishes in the sink. Do I owe them accountability?

Non-abusive conflict can still lead to harm. But, Kai says, “taking accountability is not the same thing as giving up your truth”

By Kai Cheng Thom

Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse

I got ghosted by a guy I really like. Should I confront him?

Kai advises a trans reader who keeps on getting ghosted: “your actions should be focused on providing yourself with closure instead of trying to squeeze it out of him”

By Kai Cheng Thom

Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse

The guy I’m seeing says he likes trans women, but won’t go down on them. Should I ditch him?

“It’s important to recognize that our sexual preferences don’t emerge from a vacuum”

By Kai Cheng Thom

Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse

I’m just not that into the guy I’m seeing. Can I ghost him?

“Breaking up is nearly always unpleasant. If you have to be a villain—temporarily!—how can you play that role with the greatest possible integrity and kindness?”

By Kai Cheng Thom

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