“Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse” is a column by Kai Cheng Thom to help you survive and thrive in a challenging world. Have a question? Email askkai@xtramagazine.com.
Dear Kai,
I’m a transgender woman (non-op, which will become relevant in just a second), and I just started seeing this guy I met on an app. It’s super early days, but so far he seems nice, respectful and good at communication. He’s also very cute. (You KNOW how rare this is to find on the apps!) We recently had a conversation that I feel strange about, though: we were talking about sex, and he told me that even though he is into trans women, he isn’t really into dick. Specifically, he said that he doesn’t want to go down on me or any pre-op/non-op trans woman. I asked him if he gives oral sex to cis women, and he said yes. He said that he gives his trans women partners pleasure manually to be “polite,” but he only really enjoys receiving pleasure from trans women. Honestly, this bothers me. I am all about consent and I would never want to pressure him into doing something he doesn’t want to do, but I feel strange that he seems to be repulsed by a body part that is kind of central to who I am. Add the double standard with cis women? And also that he sure doesn’t seem to mind receiving oral from me?? Kai, is this a red flag? Should I ditch the dude?
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Weirded Out Woman
Dear WOW,
Allow me a moment to completely and totally sympathize with you: it is utterly exhausting being a trans lady on the apps! Quite frankly, the whole thing is enough to bring me to the brink of despair—the endless tide of boorish, awkward, pushy, flaky, fetishizing and flat-out rude men who apparently live to send us unflattering penis photography but never show up to an actual date is one of the sadder realities of trans life. So when we do find the rare gem that is a nice, respectful, communicative man, it can be quite distressing when flaws start to emerge from that gem’s shiny interior.
What are we to do with the flaws that our new dates inevitably reveal to us? How can we differentiate between a red flag and a simple personality quirk or difference in perspective? These are questions that commonly pop up in many new relationships. While some red flags can be obvious—physical aggression, verbal abuse and so on—others can seem more ambiguous, especially when we are really hoping that the relationship will work out long term. In situations like this, what’s most telling is often not the confusing behaviour itself, but rather the way that your new partner responds when you bring it up in conversation. Is he self-reflective and compassionate? Is he able to discuss your feelings with kindness and authenticity? Crucially, does he affirm your gender identity, desirability and emotional needs?
“Your new guy doesn’t owe you oral sex, but he probably does owe you a conversation about how his comments made you feel.”
Here, I’d like to take some time to unpack the finer details of sexual consent as laid out in your letter, WOW. It’s great that you don’t want to pressure your partner, and I certainly agree that you shouldn’t pressure this man into doing anything sexual that he doesn’t want to do. However, while not being into a particular sex act is one thing, making the declaration that the reason you don’t want to do it is because you find your partner’s genitalia unattractive or unappealing is another! This is particularly true when it comes to trans people, given the complicated, often dysphoric relationship that some trans folks have with their genitals—not to mention the extreme social stigma around trans folks’ bodies. Your new guy doesn’t owe you oral sex, but he probably does owe you a conversation about how his comments made you feel.
When exploring the highly emotionally-charged realm of sexual preferences with a new partner, it’s important to respect where they’re is coming from: that is to say, I’m of the belief that we should never try to make someone feel ashamed of their sexual desires and boundaries. That said, it’s also important to recognize that our sexual preferences don’t emerge from a vacuum: they are influenced by societal norms, stereotypes and power dynamics, and they can have a real impact (for better or for worse) on our sexual partners. When your new guy says that he is “into trans women” but not into your genitalia, he is—whether intentionally or unintentionally—reinforcing a social dynamic that sexually objectifies trans women while treating our bodies as shameful or untouchable. It stands to reason that this mixed message would make you feel confused and uncomfortable, and if your new guy is going to bring that message into your relationship, WOW, it’s important that he’s able to discuss it with you in a responsible and empathetic way.
An important part of that conversation is that he is able to take full responsibility for his own feelings, boundaries and potential hang-ups without putting the blame on you or your body. If he doesn’t want to interact with trans women’s genitals that is up to him, but you (like everyone) deserve to hear from your partner that you are attractive, sexy and worthy of pleasure. You and your body are not responsible for any man’s personal sexual issues, and you shouldn’t have to suffer for them. It’s important that your new partner is able to recognize and affirm this if you decide to continue the relationship.
As you probably know, WOW, men who are attracted to trans women are often invisibilized by society, and they often experience a certain kind of homophobia that is confusing and not often discussed, even in queer and trans communities. Trans-attracted men are frequently labelled as closeted gay men, “chasers” and other unflattering terms. This, in the context of a queerphobic dominant culture, has the potential to create sexual confusion and internalized queerphobia, which might be part of the reason that some trans-attracted men experience both attraction and repulsion in response to our bodies.
This certainly isn’t meant to armchair analyze or diagnose your new partner with anything, WOW, but rather to give some context as to why a man might express the kinds of feelings that he has. If both of you are willing to experiment and be vulnerable with one another, it’s possible that you may be able to shift the sexual dynamic in a way that is more mutually satisfying. This isn’t something to take on lightly—it will take a lot of compassion, patience and emotional safety on both of your parts, which is a pretty big investment for a new partnership.
All of the above is to say, WOW, you needn’t necessarily ditch the guy if you really like him! That is, as long as he is able to own his sexual preferences and their potential impact, have a decent conversation about your feelings and treat you in a respectful, affirming way. However, it’s also important to ask yourself: Is he that important to you? Do his positive traits outweigh the potential loss of energy and stress that having this delicate conversation might involve? Just because a new relationship isn’t necessarily a total loss doesn’t mean that you’re obligated to stay in it. Trans women are constantly faced with discrimination and complications that we didn’t ask for, and you don’t have to stick with an unsatisfying person just because he might turn out to be okay in the end.
At the end of the day, you have to go with your gut, WOW. And in case your gut doesn’t tell you this, allow me to do so: you’re amazing. You’re hot and deserving of fantastic sex with a partner who can’t wait to make you feel great. You don’t have to settle for fake diamonds; you deserve a true gem.
Kai Cheng Thom is no longer a registered or practicing mental health professional. The opinions expressed in this column are not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. All content in this column, including, but not limited to, all text, graphics, videos and images, is for general information purposes only. This column, its author, Xtra (including its parent and affiliated companies, as well as their directors, officers, employees, successors and assigns) and any guest authors are not responsible for the accuracy of the information contained in this column or the outcome of following any information provided directly or indirectly from it.
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