“Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse” is a column by Kai Cheng Thom to help you survive and thrive in a challenging world. Have a question? Email askkai@xtramagazine.com.
Dear Kai,
Last year, I finally fully embraced my bisexuality. I came out to friends and family and was preparing to date as a bi woman when a friend asked to set me up with a cis man. I decided to give it a shot—and we’re now in a relationship where I feel safe, accepted and loved. My only worry is I think I’m slipping back into the closet.
What if I didn’t build enough groundwork as a bi person before entering a straight relationship? With the pandemic and my social anxiety, connecting with the LGBTQ2S+ community feels out of reach. And because I lack (and am no longer chasing) queer dating experiences, I feel like I’m missing serious credentials. To top it all off, I haven’t come out to any of my boyfriend’s friends or family. Can I be the new, likeable girlfriend and openly bi at the same time? Is it even anyone’s business? I have no reason to mention it, but I also feel like I’m hiding.
I love my boyfriend and I’m not giving up what I’ve found with him. I just don’t know how to stop myself from falling back into the closet when I barely got to be out to start with. How do I continue exploring my identity and building a queer life while in a straight relationship?
Thanks,
Budding Bi
Dear BB,
It’s wonderful news that you were able to fully embrace your bisexuality last year—coming out, to oneself and to others, is an enormous feat of self knowledge and courage, regardless of whom you are currently dating. When I read your letter, I feel deep emotional resonance with what I feel to be the essence of your question: Do you still belong within the LGBTQ2S+ community? Are you still a part of us as a bi woman who is dating a cis man? And will the world continue to perceive and receive you fully as the bisexual person you are, or will all that courage and hard work of coming out be erased as the dominant heterosexual culture tries to claim you?
Dearest BB, the caregiver in me wants so much to set your heart at rest. In 15 years of working in “the community” as a peer support provider, counsellor, therapist and coach, literally hundreds of newly- and recently-out queer and trans people of all ages have asked me this question over and over again: Do I belong? Am I enough? Bisexual enough, queer enough, gender subversive enough, politically progressive enough, pretty enough, thin enough, white enough, fashionable enough to be a part of this thing we call community?
The answer is yes, BB. You will always be a part of us, and you always were. I believe that you belonged with us before you came out, and you belong with us after; you belong with us before you ever date another woman, and you will still belong even if you never do. The queer revolution will not be credentialized. You do not need a badge with a gold star, or any star, to join. I tell you this, BB, in the hopes that you will feel more confident taking your place in the community, and that you will question yourself at least a little less within it.
That said, I also know that the practical reality of navigating identity politics and community building in the midst of a pandemic (and with social anxiety to boot) can be extremely challenging, inspiring rhetoric notwithstanding. If you don’t already have LGBTQ2S+ friends and queer social events in your calendar, how exactly are you supposed to continue growing into your bisexual identity?
In the first place, I want to acknowledge that I’m inferring from the wording of your letter that you and your boyfriend are monogamous—because, of course, if you were polyamorous or in an open relationship, you might still feel free to pursue dating women and other people of diverse gender identities. In fact, if you and your boyfriend are both comfortable with it, you might want to consider this option, because it would allow you to continue exploring romance and sexuality with women (and folks of any other gender that interests you).
While this may seem like an obvious option (or, depending on how common polyamory is in your social circles, obviously out of the question!), I suggest it because I think it’s worth considering and perhaps even discussing with your boyfriend. Many people who are curious about non-monogamy rule it out automatically because it seems too scary, too out of the ordinary or because they fear their partners will never go for it. Yet polyamory holds a great deal of potential for a lot of folks, and so you may want to think more deeply about it if you haven’t already.
Of course, non-monogamy isn’t for everyone, and it may not be for you and/or your boyfriend, BB. So what then are you to do? Fortunately, as you may already know, the LGBTQ2S+ community is more than your current sexual and dating partners—it’s a cultural network, a history and lineage, a web of personal and political relationships that spans a huge range of potential experiences.
For example, there is a huge and growing list of queer books to read, and a plethora of forums and online book clubs to discuss them. There are queer film festivals in many of the world’s major cities, and you can volunteer for many of them. Even in the pandemic, there are a number of LGBTQ2S+-focused events in many parts of the world, from dance parties to one-off meetings to recurring sports, arts, gaming and culture groups. In fact, as a result of the pandemic, many such groups that once only met in-person and tended to be limited to those who could access urban areas now offer some form of online participation.
It’s possible, BB, that part of what you long for is the opportunity to explore the erotic sides of the LGBTQ2S+ community while remaining within the boundaries of a monogamous relationship with your boyfriend. While actual dating and/or sex might be off the table, you might still be able to enjoy erotic environments where LGBTQ2S+ sexuality is welcomed, such as certain bathhouses, queer dance parties or kink events (if kink is your thing). COVID-19 safety is, of course, essential these days, but here again the community comes through with online sexuality workshops and events such as those put on by Toronto’s Good For Her, a much-loved independent sex shop.
It could even be that your boyfriend might enjoy exploring certain forms of queer sexuality with you! Watching queer porn together, going to mixed bathhouse nights together and attending sexuality workshop might all be fun for the both of you while also providing chances for you to connect with your bisexuality and other LGBTQ2S+ folks.
Getting involved in queer and trans activism is another powerful and important way of becoming connected to community. Indeed, all of the above resources and events would not exist without the lineage of social organizing and activism that has historically been led by queer and trans folks of colour. Showing up for one another is an intrinsic part of how LGBTQ2S+ folks thrive. There are many different ways to engage in activism: some folks go to protests and marches, others volunteer for queer help hotlines, make food at queer community kitchens or write letters to queer individuals who have been incarcerated. What aspect of LGBTQ2S+ rights are you most passionate about, BB? Where might following that passion take you?
You ask whether you can be the new and likeable girlfriend and openly bi at the same time. I believe you can—or at least, you should be able to! It’s only biphobic and heteronormative social standards that dictate that bi folks in apparently “hetero” relationships should have to hide or downplay who they are. And while it’s true that your sexuality isn’t any of your boyfriend’s family’s business, it makes perfect sense that you might simultaneously want to be affirmed and recognized in your bisexuality while also feeling worried about how they might react. Unfortunately, we do live in a biphobic and heteronormative world, after all.
If it feels safe for you, however, you might try being out in “small” ways with your boyfriend’s family and friends—not necessarily making an announcement out of it, but not hiding your bisexuality if it happens to be relevant to the conversation at hand. Sometimes dropping a mention of your sexuality into the profile of a social media account or wearing a piece of jewelry or clothing that has queer imagery (suited to your style and taste, of course) can feel good for LGBTQ2S+ folks who appear to be in hetero relationships but want to keep their queer identity socially visible.
Keep on embracing who you are, BB. You deserve so much to be seen and held in the communities—all the communities—that you are a part of. Remember that you are enough, that you have a right to keep on exploring queer culture and spaces. You are needed there. You belong.
Kai Cheng Thom is no longer a registered or practicing mental health professional. The opinions expressed in this column are not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. All content in this column, including, but not limited to, all text, graphics, videos and images, is for general information purposes only. This column, its author, Xtra (including its parent and affiliated companies, as well as their directors, officers, employees, successors and assigns) and any guest authors are not responsible for the accuracy of the information contained in this column or the outcome of following any information provided directly or indirectly from it.
Why you can trust Xtra
