Have you heard? The heteros are, at long last, getting their own parade! Apparently some straight dudes in Boston are planning the event, which they’re calling their “chance to have a patriotic parade.” Yeah, okay.
In the off chance that this isn’t some elaborate troll, here’s what you can expect at Boston’s Straight Pride.
Let’s talk straight pride fashion. One word: Oakley. Two words: Boat shoes. On a budget? Flip flops and cargo shorts from Old Navy.
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You’re welcome.
Piers Morgan and Blake Shelton will be honoured guests.
And God’s Country plays on a loop.
The flags will be so, so beige.
Because beige is the official colour of heterosexuality.
Someone will probably bring a gender reveal lasagna.
Because straight soon-to-be parents so rarely pass up the opportunity to celebrate the gendered norms and expectations of their fetuses.
Children will be exposed to heterosexuality.
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Like it’s natural or something!
Attendees will sing their praises for the missionary position.
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Definitely not that kind of missionary.
Everyone will be doing the Fortnite dance.
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Grown-ass straight men love to floss.
Someone will host a tailgate party.
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Shotgun a cold one, bro! Hop into the cargo bed of my pickup truck! Throw some sausages on the grill (no homo)!
So! Many! Sports!
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First comes tailgating, then comes a little toss-about of the pigskin and a lot of fawning over Tom Brady (NO HOMO!).
No one will come.
If heteros think their parade will be a big one, they are sorely mistaken (and not for the obvious reasons!). It turns out fewer people than ever before are identifying as straight — at least in the UK — and one-third of Generation Z are LGBTQ2. Sorry!