Have you heard? The heteros are, at long last, getting their own parade! Apparently some straight dudes in Boston are planning the event, which they’re calling their “chance to have a patriotic parade.” Yeah, okay.

In the off chance that this isn’t some elaborate troll, here’s what you can expect at Boston’s Straight Pride.

Let’s talk straight pride fashion. One word: Oakley. Two words: Boat shoes. On a budget? Flip flops and cargo shorts from Old Navy.

You’re welcome.

Piers Morgan and Blake Shelton will be honoured guests.

And God’s Country plays on a loop.

The flags will be so, so beige.

Because beige is the official colour of heterosexuality.

Someone will probably bring a gender reveal lasagna.

Because straight soon-to-be parents so rarely pass up the opportunity to celebrate the gendered norms and expectations of their fetuses.

Children will be exposed to heterosexuality.

Like it’s natural or something!

Attendees will sing their praises for the missionary position.

Definitely not that kind of missionary.

Everyone will be doing the Fortnite dance.

Grown-ass straight men love to floss.

Someone will host a tailgate party.

Shotgun a cold one, bro! Hop into the cargo bed of my pickup truck! Throw some sausages on the grill (no homo)!

So! Many! Sports!

First comes tailgating, then comes a little toss-about of the pigskin and a lot of fawning over Tom Brady (NO HOMO!).

No one will come.

If heteros think their parade will be a big one, they are sorely mistaken (and not for the obvious reasons!). It turns out fewer people than ever before are identifying as straight — at least in the UK — and one-third of Generation Z are LGBTQ2. Sorry!