Dear Dr Ren,
I’m in my 50s and have been single for eight years. I’m trying to make a decision about how I handle dating.
My last relationship was nurturing and exciting. My girlfriend and I were perfectly matched sexually and I discovered how good sex can be. I learned to communicate openly and how to experiment sexually.
Since then I’ve been disappointed with my lovers. They all seem sexually timid and more interested in cuddling than canoodling. I soon get bored and frustrated, so I’m still single.
Once you’ve known sexual ecstasy, can you ever be satisfied with lukewarm? Is there a way to find a good match, or are older, horny lesbians just a myth?
I don’t think I can stand one more round of finding someone attractive only to learn that she doesn’t really like sex. I’m wondering if I should just stop.
Thoughts? Am I a …
—Unicorn?
Dear Unicorn,
There are many reasons lesbians so often struggle with their sexuality.
We’re raised as heterosexual girls, learning heterosexual rules and ethics about dating. We’re not taught to initiate or how to handle rejection, both necessary skills to keep a sexual pattern lively.
Then there’s all that hormonal stuff that keeps us in flux regarding how we feel about receptivity. Our desire varies with our cycles. With both partners responding to hormonal cues simultaneously, sexual activity can become sparse.
Sex researchers posit that desire thrives on difference. Girlfriends can easily slip into being best friends, and that familiarity and intimacy suffocate eroticism.
For these reasons — and the reality of individual sex drives and personalities — lesbians can have a hard time finding a sex-positive match. It is sad that you found and then lost so good a fit. But then, lost or not, you tapped in to sexual exploration. With that, you gained what these lukewarm lovers have yet to find. There’s always a chance that you can be the catalyst for another woman, just as your lover was for you.
Maybe you’re done. Maybe you don’t have the energy to keep kissing frogs and finding no princess.
If so, then take a break and join the thousands of older women who develop active and satisfying solo sex lives. This is a great time for personal growth and deep friendships, and without that pressure to be “on the market,” we can be expansive and outrageous. With a solitary focus and fewer outside demands, we can create enviable lives.
But if you continue to long for the besotted happiness of being in love and experiencing great sex, then continue your search. Despite your dating frustration, your body may well continue to crave the uncompromising pleasure of uninhibited sex.
Keep an active profile, and be precise about who you are and whom you seek. A forthright and honest profile revealing your sexual aptitude may not get you quantities of replies, but the ones you do receive will be genuine possibilities. Fewer frogs, but a better chance at a sexually enthusiastic princess.
Consider attending festivals targeting older women, which offer contact and community. There you’ll find others experiencing the same issues — possibly even those longing, like you, for sexual ecstasy.
I remember reading a statistic that more women in their 70s “remarry” compared to those in their 60s. If this proves true for you, you two may not be able to grow old together, but remember that once past menopause,
sex takes on a richness learned only with time. Your later years can overflow with happiness.
The older we grow, the better we know ourselves and what we want. You may find another ideal mate, or maybe not. The only real mistake would be to close yourself off to opportunities, however they present themselves.
Dr Pega Ren is Xtra’s queer- and kink-friendly sex therapist, specializing in relationship and sexual issues, including concerns of the aging population. To learn more about her and the work she does, or to book a session, visit her website at smartsextalk.com.
Have a question for Dr Ren? Send an email to asktheexpert@dailyxtra.com.
Why you can trust Xtra
