“Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse” is a column by Kai Cheng Thom to help you survive and thrive in a challenging world. Have a question? Email askkai@xtramagazine.com.
Dear Kai,
I pride myself on my independence and my discerning nature when it comes to dating and relationships. I’ve been intentionally single for the better part of the last few years and proud of myself for not bowing to the pressures of being coupled when it hasn’t felt right. But as COVID-19 marches on, single life is taking a toll.
Lately, I’ve really missed being in love. It hasn’t happened for me in a few years and being in my early 30s, I’m seeing lots of people in long-term relationships—and even seeing lots of people who have somehow started relationships during COVID-19! As wonderful and fulfilling as my life and my platonic relationships are, I miss having that intense connection and feeling prioritized in someone’s life.
Being demisexual, I tend to only experience attraction after getting to know someone IRL. When you add the challenges of online dating, not being able to go anywhere and the fact that Zoom dates sound like my worst nightmare, the odds of finding the right person any time soon are feeling more and more slim. I’ve been feeling ready for a more serious relationship for a while, but it feels like my timing couldn’t be worse.
Am I being too picky with my disdain for online dating and limiting my own options? How can I combat the loneliness of the single COVID-19 life? And how can I move away from jealousy and toward gratitude for the wonderful life I have?
Sincerely,
Love Lockdown
Dear LL,
How painful is the yearning of a heart that longs to be in love! While I fully affirm and support your independence and discernment, I also want to affirm the part of you that is crying out for deeper connection. For the majority of us, erotic and romantic fulfillment is a real, human need that has both physical and mental consequences when not met. What this means is that loneliness and romantic yearning, generally, are not problems that can be solved by willpower alone. We need other human beings, and at least the possibility of intimate (whether sexual or platonic) communion, to feel whole. In other words, it’s not just being loved that’s important, it’s also our innate sense of being capable of seeking out and developing partnerships.
“Our collective loneliness has never been so acute.”
COVID-19 has put many of us in the terrible position of having to deny our romantic and intimate needs in the name of safety—a situation that I’m afraid may result in some long-term collective trauma. Many, perhaps most, people already feel some degree of ambivalence towards romance. The risk of rejection, being harmed or exploited and other related dangers can be off-putting especially for those who have experienced pain or trauma (and who hasn’t?) in close relationships.
Now, the pandemic has manifested some of our worst unconscious fears about closeness with other humans: That their bodies are dangerous to us, and that ours are dangerous to them. At the same time, our collective loneliness has never been so acute.
So what does that mean for you and your (non)-dating life, LL? For one thing, it might mean leaning deeply into the ambivalence you are expressing in order to discover what your conflicting emotions are trying to tell you.
You have the fact that you are demisexual, proudly independent and not that into the whole Zoom dating scene. If you’re open to it, LL, I’d suggest digging deeper here. I’m curious about what being independent means to you, and how that stands in relation to the need for connection you’re expressing now. There’s definitely something to be said for choosing one’s partners carefully, but is that particular strategy serving you at this particular moment?
Or might it be more valuable to gratefully acknowledge the important role that independence and discernment have played in your life while also leaning into some new interpersonal skills, like taking chances on people and building tolerance for relational risk?
As you probably know, independence is a powerful and necessary area of growth for most people, LL. Healthy independence helps us to avoid toxic relationship dynamics and walk away from relationships that are not for us. Yet having mastered the art of independence, we also need to cultivate a certain amount of spontaneity and meaningful risk-taking when it comes to making connections. In spontaneity, there is erotic charge; and in stretching our boundaries, we can become open to powerful romantic and sexual chemistry that we might have otherwise missed.
If you truly want to find romance, LL, it’s possible that you might need to extend yourself beyond your comfort zone and embrace the risk—of awkward Zoom dates, of spending time on something that doesn’t work out, of not finding that perfect person—in order to revitalize your felt sense of romantic aliveness and reconnect to your ability to seek out intimacy with others.
How does the process of navigating pandemic-era dating change when we look at it not as an all-or-nothing game, but rather as a grand experiment in personal growth? What exciting skills, tools and personal insights might you gain from the experience, even if you don’t end up finding a long-term partner right away?
Like any form of social interaction, virtual dating comes more naturally to some than others, but your skills can be honed with practice and experimentation. While Zoom may just not be the right platform for you, how about an old-fashioned phone conversation or text message exchange?
“Virtual dating comes more naturally to some than others, but your skills can be honed with practice and experimentation.”
There is an art to these platforms that can be learned; personally, I’ve been having a lot of fun lately trying out emotional intimacy games that can be used to quickly develop connection from a distance. For example, going through some (or if you’re feeling adventurous, all) of the New York Times’ 36 questions to fall in love can be a really fun phone or video call date. So can playing those old high school throwbacks, Truth or Dare and Never Have I Ever.
Depending on the severity of the pandemic in your location, there may also still be some opportunities to date IRL, albeit with much caution and risk reduction planning (the truth is, LL, as you’ve noted in your letter, many people are still dating these days!). Outdoor dates may be an option for areas not under stay-at-home orders (this will be easier in the spring and summer). In the medium-term future, it may also be possible that vaccinations will allow us to meet new people more easily (though I would wait for public health advisors to confirm this).
The point is, LL, romance is indeed still possible, though there are more challenges and barriers in the way. The question is, which part of you is bigger? The part that doesn’t feel hopeful about online dating, or the part that is willing to try? And if you land on the part that’s willing to try, how can you break down those challenges into learning goals and personal growth experiments at a speed and emotional risk level that is safe enough for you?
The final question in your letter is about gratitude: How can you move away from jealousy and towards gratitude for your wonderful life? Somewhat paradoxically, LL, my suggestion is that we return to the idea that we generally can’t solve internal conflicts by trying to ignore or repress one side. Instead we might acknowledge the important messages that your jealousy may be trying to voice—perhaps it is something along the lines of: I need attention and intimacy, too. Mindfulness practices such as RAIN (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture), developed by therapist and meditation teacher Tara Brach, can help us to listen to the wisdom of all our emotions with self-love and discernment.
You may find that curiously and compassionately observing your jealousy alongside your gratitude opens up new ways of self-care and self-love. There is a powerful wisdom inside our painful emotions, LL, including jealousy and longing and loneliness. These emotions can hurt, but when given space and held with grace, they can also point the way towards authentic desire and courageous change. Listen to your inner wisdom, LL. It just might take you exactly where you need to go.
Kai Cheng Thom is no longer a registered or practicing mental health professional. The opinions expressed in this column are not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. All content in this column, including, but not limited to, all text, graphics, videos and images, is for general information purposes only. This column, its author, Xtra (including its parent and affiliated companies, as well as their directors, officers, employees, successors and assigns) and any guest authors are not responsible for the accuracy of the information contained in this column or the outcome of following any information provided directly or indirectly from it.
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