Who should vote for Gordzilla?

Godzilla is a giant, mutant dinosaur with rough, bumpy charcoal gray scales, charcoal gray skin, a long powerful tail, jagged, bone-colored dorsal plates and incredible strength.

Although his origins vary from film to film, he’s always described as a prehistoric monster or dinosaur who first appeared and attacked Japan at the beginning of the Atomic Age and with his destructive dragon-like, fire breathing atomic blast, destroyed everything in his path.

Gordzilla is a giant mutant dinosaur with rough bumpy charcoal gray scales, charcoal designer eyewear, a powerful SUV and bone-coloured tailored suits. A prehistoric monster who lives in Point Grey, he first appeared as mayor of Vancouver, then later returned to attack British Columbia as premier at the beginning of the 21st century, and with his destructive dragon-like, fire breathing atomic blast has managed to destroy everything in his path.

British Columbians will be asked to go to the polls in May to vote for our local Member of the Legislative Assembly (MLA). Just like in federal politics, the leader whose members receive the most seats, becomes premier. Traditionally, British Columbians tend to swing to the left and elect the NDP for a couple of terms, then swing to the right.

The BC Liberals (who are not remotely liberal) have run the province for the last two terms. It’s time to swing back to the left.

Let’s break it down and see which way we should all vote in the upcoming provincial election.

If you’re a “developer” and your mission in life is to buy land, slap up condos with chipboard instead of plywood, and build the smallest allowable units with the smallest allowable overhangs (even though we live in a rain forest) to save money and ensure larger profits for yourself, then you should vote for Gordzilla.

If you’re a wealthy building owner who has utilized the loophole the BC Liberals added to the Residential Tenancy Act that allows you to evict tenants for “renovations” when all you’re really going to do is slap up a coat of paint then rent the same suite for twice the price, you should vote for Gordzilla.

If you’ve forgotten that the BC Liberal party is filled with former Social Credit party members, some of whom served under premier Bill Vander Zalm when he refused to allow AZT (one of the few drugs available for people with AIDS at the time) to be covered by BC’s Medical Services Plan, you should vote for Gordzilla.

If you’re comfortable with privatized two-tiered medical care in which the wealthy (like Gordon for example) have better access to services while everyone else waits in line, vote for the dinosaur.

If it doesn’t bother you that in this time of “economic recession” the BC Liberals voted for a 40 percent pay hike to senior cabinet ministers while continuing to cut people off welfare, you should vote for Gordzilla and his affluent team.

If you’re not concerned that the developer-friendly monster continues to rezone Richmond’s agricultural land reserve __ which is distinguished as some of the richest farm land in the world __ to build more strip malls, vote for the Gordo.

If it doesn’t concern you that in 2001 Gordzilla rewrote welfare laws to force single parents to look for work when their children reach the ripe old age of three, you should vote for the inhuman beast.

If it doesn’t bother you that homelessness has increased under the BC Liberals, who in October 2001 stopped construction on subsidized housing, insisting that the private sector would build affordable housing (yeah, right), you should vote for the mutant dinosaur.

But let’s just say you are a decent, fair, person who cares about the ideals that make Canada a great democracy. Let’s say you believe in affordable housing, a clean environment and justice for all, you probably shouldn’t vote for the scaly brute.

Let’s say you’re a gay man, trying to pay rent on your West End apartment on your service industry income, fearful the corporation that owns your building might decide to “revonovate” and kick you out with barely any notice, you probably shouldn’t vote for Gordzilla.

Let’s say you’re a transwoman, trying to pay for another semester at school, your bus pass and another month of electrolysis, which isn’t covered by BC’s Medical Services Plan, you probably should not vote for Gordzilla.

Let’s say you’re a lesbian, living with your wife, raising a couple of kids and you are aware that the premier appointed former Surrey school trustee Mary Polak to his cabinet and you remember when she tried to ban books about lesbian and gay parents from the Surrey school system, you should not vote for Gordzilla.

If you’re a gay man who has spent a lot of time sitting at the bedsides of your friends as they lay in hospices, you should not vote for the monster.

If you’re a lesbian who works in a battered women’s shelter and you remember that one of the first things Gordzilla did was to cut funding to women’s services, you should not vote for the reptile.

Before Gordzilla, King of the Monsters has another four years to blast his fire-breathing atomic destruction onto BC as our natural environment becomes increasingly fragile, stand up and do something. Be a hero and destroy the monster before it is too late.