I’m a parent of a trans kid. I was investigated for supporting her right to be herself

I am the proud mother of three beautiful children, and my oldest was 10 the first time we were reported for so-called “child abuse.” Today, that child, Rebekah is a 15-year-old honours student. She is a field hockey player who loves writing and musical theatre, a pastor’s kid who sings in the church choir and has great friends and a wonderful community around her. Her teachers tell us all the time that she’s exceptional, and we can’t argue with them. She also happens to be transgender.

Rebekah wasn’t always the happy, thriving kid she is now. She struggled deeply with anxiety and depression until she socially transitioned seven years ago. At eight years old, we supported her as she changed her name and pronouns, and her joy filled the air the very first time she went into the world as herself.

My husband is a Lutheran pastor. The first time Rebekah came to church as herself, a churchgoer approached my husband after worship and said, “I don’t really understand this whole transgender thing, but she used to hide behind you and refuse to say hi to me on a Sunday morning. Today, she ran up to me, twirled in her dress, and gave me a high five. What more is there to know?” Everyone who knows Rebekah has seen the power of supporting her in being herself. It lines up with what all the experts say: supporting trans kids allows them to thrive.

That didn’t prevent Child Protective Services (CPS) from showing up at our door one afternoon in August 2017. Likely due to our public advocacy, someone had anonymously made a report claiming that we were “forcing” our child to be a girl. My daughter cried when I explained that these strangers would need to look around and ask us some questions. No matter how much I tried to tell her everything was OK, she was scared. At 10 years old, she felt guilty, thinking she was the reason these people had come into our home. She knew they were there because of who she is and the way we affirmed her. When they asked my daughter if she was “really” a girl, they didn’t realize the depth of pain that caused a child who had fought to articulate—and be accepted for—herself for years. 

Their lack of understanding, though, didn’t lessen the trauma they caused. We were doing everything we could to raise our children to be healthy, well-adjusted, good people, and suddenly none of it mattered. CPS came on a Saturday and said they’d be back on Monday. I spent the next 48 hours struggling to breathe, cleaning every surface and scrambling for every document I knew we had that could prove my child was well-cared for, in good health, and is, in fact, transgender, all while trying to maintain a sense of normalcy and calm for our family. I have never felt more vulnerable or alone. 

Our case was closed after 33 anxiety-filled days. We have been reported two additional times since then, and we still worry when strangers show up at the door. 

I need you to understand that this was in a state with established non-discrimination protections. That is something families in Texas do not have. No family should have to go through what mine did. Right now, at the direction of  Texas Gov. Greg Abbott and Attorney General Ken Paxton, families in Texas are being investigated for supporting their trans kids and for seeking the care that the medical experts have determined is best practice. In declaring trans youth health care “child abuse” and ordering the state’s Department of Family and Protective Services (DFPS) to report trans-affirming households, Texas leaders are putting lives at risk.

This week, I joined thousands of parents in signing a letter from the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) in support of trans youth because I know what it’s like to be investigated for supporting my child. As terrifying as what we went through was, I know that not affirming my child would be so much worse. Research indicates alarming rates of anxiety and depression for trans young people, but that’s not because there is something wrong with them—it’s because of the exclusion and discrimination they face in society. Like all kids, trans youth need to be loved and seen by their communities. They thrive when they have access to affirming families, safe schools, appropriate medical care and opportunities to be a part of a team with their peers. Politicians across the country are intent on removing every pillar of support these kids need.

I say this in solidarity with parents of trans children across the country: if supporting my kid means I’m investigated for child abuse, then bring it. The alternative is so much worse. We will not let harm come to our children. We will not deny them affirmation, support and care. We will surround them with communities that accept and celebrate them. Most importantly, we will not let people in power frighten parents into denying their children the support they deserve. That would truly be abuse.