The other white meat

Last fall, a shocking sexual practice was publicly revealed in Vancouver. No bathhouse or bar, no park or public toilet had witnessed an activity so lascivious, so perverse, so . . . well, down right dirty. To the shock, and pleasure, of an audience that expected only to be entertained by a few amateur drag queens, a new star was born and an old secret revealed: Mr Wesa (aka Ann Travers) had his, ahem, her, massive cock sucked right on stage.

Excuse me, am I confused? Why would a woman want her latex fellated? I can understand what her girlfriend might want, but what the fuck? We’ve asked around, and apparently there is a lesbian renaissance occurring where cock is concerned.

Fags talk about cock in worshipful terms. It is, after all, “the other white meat,” as one non-vegetarian put it, in spite of the fact that cocks come in so many wonderful colours. Another said, “there’s nothing better than seeing a penis coming right at your face. I just love cock!”

The passion for deep-throating goes both ways. “It’s such a kick to deep-throat a guy for the first time. He just can’t believe it.” Another guy adds “deep-throating is one of the most erotic experiences there is.”

Contrary to our expectations, not all fags are size queens. There is such a thing as a cock that’s too big. “If you can’t get it in your mouth, what’s the point?” said one guy.

“Yeah,” another agreed. “Guys with huge cocks are a turn off. I mean, you can’t do anything with it besides throw it over your shoulder and burp it.”

Of course it makes sense that fags are all about cock; duh, that’s why they’re fags. What about the lesbian passion for silicone cock? It’s obvious that it’s about more than penetration but how does that work?

There is a long history of dykes and dicks. I mean, we’ve read Tipping the Velvet. And the question of who wore the strap-on was a big dividing line in 1950s butch/femme lesbian culture. Some butch-bashing 1970s feminists dumped on butch lesbians for imitating heterosexual men by strapping it on and fucking their chicks. But they ignored an important difference: the butches strapped it on for the pleasure of the women they were fucking; they didn’t just pump their dicks into a supine body until they got off like stereotypical straight men do. But do women experience sexual pleasure from wearing a strap-on?

“Jesus! Do you think fucking a woman with a strap-on is like an act of generosity or something?” one irate lesbian responded when questioned about the pleasure-principle for the giver. “Fucking a woman with a strap-on or having her get down on her knees and suck my cock have made me come more than once. It’s so hot.”

A lesbian couple shared one of their favourite past-times with us. “We like to hang out in the porn section at Little Sister’s and look at the gay porn. Sure, it’s nice to look at the guy’s hard bodies but what we’re really on about is cock. We like to look at cock-especially really big ones. Then we go home and strap on our dicks and, well, it’s fag night at our house if you know what I mean.”

Are our girls confused? Does all of this mean that lesbians want penises? One hot little girl/boy set us straight on this one. “No. Definitely not. I would never get within 10 feet of a real one. Yuck. Double yuck.”

But the real expert in Vancouver is Ann, who actually had her cock sucked (through a glory hole no less!) by some of the hottest guys in the West End Slow Pitch League (stop laughing Mabel league players; real men play slow pitch). When she slid her big, hard dick through the glory hole on the stage at Sonar, with fabulous, scarcely glad hunky guys all around . . . well, even the fabulous and abundant Joan-E got her drawers in a knot.

* For our next column: The rotting holly has been undecked and the gay apparel stowed for another day. The illegal, highly flammable real Douglas firs have been snuck down the back stairs, and we’re now telling the stories. Really, why is it that the holidays spur so many into coming out? Tell us how you were homo for the holidays.