. . . After throwing back two shooters, I asked Billy if he had any cock shots on his phone. He mock gasped and placed a hand on his chest.
“Come on, every gay guy has a cock shot on their phone,” I said.
“I don’t,” he said, but grabbed Clive and myself, led us into the bathroom and locked the door. He pulled out his massive testicles and covered his cock with his hand. “Aren’t they nice?” he said, proudly. They were perfectly smooth and symmetrical. So perfect, in fact, that Clive started taking photos with his phone, encouraging Billy to pose. I became giddy: we were like kids bonding over our illicit body parts. Clive then showed his balls, which were sexy . . . but really, Billy was a hard act to follow. Mine were the hairiest — must be a wolf thing.
We left the bathroom and Clive went to look for his husband. I grabbed a drink and wandered off, working the room. I eventually found my way back to Billy who pointed out, again, how “adorable” he thought I was. I knew he was wasted when he started to pet my chest. Clive came over and joined us, putting one arm around Billy and using the other to pet him. I realized that I was in one of those interlocked bear chains I’d been witnessing all night.
“You know, you only put your arm around me when you’re nervous,” Billy said to Clive. Clive laughed and continued to pet him. “When I first started hanging out with this group I used to be so uncomfortable with all this touching. But you know what, I’m used to it now, it’s fine. I have to say though I still find it incredibly exhausting.” He turned to me and smiled. “So exhausting.”
He was my type of guy.
After a brief interlude, Clive came over, put his arms around my neck and started kissing me.
It was playful at first — and I knew he and Blair were in an open relationship — so it seemed okay to be kissing him out in the open. His friends acted like we weren’t even there. I acted like we weren’t there.
I started groping him and slipped my hands under his shirt. He squeezed my crotch until I was hard, then turned around and rubbed his ass up against it.
It felt wrong. I wasn’t DH’s boy anymore, but I still felt guilty for kissing Clive. Clive was supposed to be “a third,” and nothing more. It felt like I’d be betraying DH if I went any further. Why did I have this strange and stupid allegiance to him? It was stupid — even DH would say it was stupid — but I couldn’t shake the feeling of betrayal. So we stopped.
“I want to continue this, this week,” he said, smiling. I didn’t say anything.
The party wrapped up just after midnight. Clive and Blair dropped me off in Soma near an after-hours club that I wanted to check out. Before we parted ways, Clive and I agreed to get together in the next couple of days. I knew we wouldn’t. Not that I wasn’t grateful; he treated me like a brother that night, and made me feel like a part of the group. But maybe our connection was just that simple. With so many sexual opportunities at my fingertips, I felt like I needed a code to keep me intact.
It had nothing to do with Clive, and it definitely had nothing to do with DH — it was about me, and only me. It was my choice. That was the perspective that I was searching for. I guess I was a lone wolf.
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Hole & Corner appears on Daily Xtra every Wednesday.
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