May is International Masturbation Month, one of the world’s most vigorously celebrated holidays. Many of you are celebrating right now. But in case you’ve been a bit of a masturbatory scrooge (do yourself a favour and don’t Google “masturbatory scrooge”), we’ve compiled a list of some of our favourite JO scenes from the silver screen, separated into highly scientific categories. Bring your tissues, this one’s a jerker! (Many NSFW links below . . .)
The hilarious jerk off
Masturbation is inherently funny. In fact, outside of pornography, it seems likely that most on-screen representations of self-love are comedic. So many things can go hilariously wrong. Your semen could wind up in Cameron Diaz’s hair! Phoebe Cates could walk in on you! You could get so into your shower massage that you forget Steve Carell is even in the room!
But really, what says “comedy masturbation” like Jason Biggs fucking a pie?
Biggs’s masturbatory career continued on Orange is the New Black, where he played Piper’s shitty husband who gets really into edging, which feels like an homage to his iconic pastry penetration.
The sad jerk off
Masturbation is inherently sad. Sex is about joyful connection with a partner; masturbation is about isolation and misery. Whether it’s a lonely, angsty autofellatio, or a high-point-of-your-day tug job in the shower, jerking off is totes depressing.
But the saddest masturbation scene in cinema? Naomi Watts’s weepy, onanistic fever dream in Mulholland Drive.
Some say Watts’s solo flight is the key to understanding this confounding film. But we’ve all jerked off while thinking about Laura Harring, a mysterious blue box and a terrifying homeless man, right?
The scary jerk off
Masturbation is inherently terrifying. It’s a creepy thing that bad people do with their dirty privates. Whether you’re a creepy peeper spying on Anne Heche before you murder her, or a possessed teen stabbing your own vagina with a crucifix while yelling “Let Jesus fuck you!” over and over again, the sin of Onan is a classic sign that some seriously fucked-up shit is going down.
But for our money, the scariest movie wank belongs to Natalie Portman in Black Swan.
Gah! Your weird sleeping mom! Right there! Oh, you’re a naughty, naughty girl, Black Swan! Ballerinas don’t fudd themselves!
The feminist jerk off
Masturbation is inherently liberating. After years of faking it for the patriarchy and sublimating your own pleasures and desires, becoming mistress of your own domain is your key to the queendom of feminism!
When the mom from Pleasantville takes Reese Witherspoon’s advice and does a little self-discovery in the bathtub, it proves to be an illuminating experience.
Dissatisfied with your life as a ’50s housewife, trapped in a black-and-white Leave it to Beaver pocket dimension? Wank your way to a world of colour!
The homoerotic jerk off
Masturbation is inherently gay. No matter how straight the rest of your raunchy escapades are, sex with yourself is essentially homo. Even if you’re doing it while lying on a diving board with your also straight best friend and talking about Salma Hayek, like Diego Luna and Gael Garcia Bernal in Y Tu Mamá También. In fact, especially then.
Oh, and especially if later in the movie, you and your straight best friend do this. Fact: all masturbation leads to gay sex.
And there you have it, masters and mistresses — our guide to the various categories of big-screen jerk offs. Have a deeply satisfying May, and let’s do our best to keep the spirit of International Masturbation Month around all year long.
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