“Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse” is a column by Kai Cheng Thom to help you survive and thrive in a challenging world. Have a question? Email askkai@xtramagazine.com.
Dear Kai,
I very recently realized I am a lesbian with a lot of compulsory heterosexual experience after identifying as bi for years. Now I’m dating the girl of my dreams, and things are going amazing! I’m genuinely falling for her. There’s just one problem: When it comes to sex, I keep stumbling at the last hurdle. The minute things start to heat up, I feel like there’s this mental block and I back out.
I’ve slept with men before and it was a bad experience, so I know that’s caused me to have some anxieties around sex generally. My girlfriend says I’m subconsciously not ready, but I feel ready and desirous and I want to be there and present with my partner! I just don’t know how to get over this barrier. I don’t want to force myself because I genuinely want to enjoy this experience. I want to have sex and my body wants to have sex, but my mind has this block. Am I not emotionally ready? How will I know? How can I work on this?
Long Lost Lesbian
Dear LLL,
How wonderful that you’ve found both your lesbian identity and the girl of your dreams! I am truly delighted that so many things are going well in your new relationship. Naturally, you want to deepen your newfound romance with sex and physical intimacy, so the block that you are experiencing sounds very frustrating indeed. You deserve to have the intimacy—and the pleasure—that you want in your new relationship! Let’s explore how you might start to get closer to that goal.
When it comes to mental and emotional barriers to intimacy, the first thing I always like to affirm is that there is nothing to be ashamed of. In my work as a sex educator (and in my former career as a couples and family therapist), people often tell me that they are upset or angry with themselves for not being able to have sex the way they want to. They feel that they are letting their partners down, that they are letting themselves down—sometimes, they even feel broken.
We live in a culture that is deeply traumatized around erotic intimacy, so being told by a partner or professional that you are “not ready” to have sex can sort of sound like they are saying something is wrong with you (even though they usually don’t mean it that way). So, let’s start with this, LLL: ready or not, there is nothing wrong with you.
What does it mean that you are experiencing this mental block, as you describe it, when it comes to having sex with your girlfriend? Of course, I’m not in a position to make any really specific suggestions (because I don’t know you!), but on a general level I think it’s possible that you, like many people, are coming up against an internal conflict about sex. Part of you, as you say in your letter, is excited and feeling truly ready; you want to have sex, and your body wants to have sex (by which I take it you are feeling physical desire), but there is also another part of you that is saying “no.” Classically, this is described in sex counselling and coaching as “ambivalence”—part of you wants one thing while another part of you wants something else.
There could be many reasons for this ambivalence, LLL. You’ve mentioned that you had some bad experiences with sex in the past, as well as being affected by compulsory heterosexuality—which, for readers unfamiliar with the term, refers to pressure from the dominant culture that all people to be heterosexual and only have heterosexual relationships and sex). It’s possible that these negative experiences have resulted in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or other mental health-related symptoms. A negative experience does not have to be obviously dramatic or physically violent to have been traumatic; trauma can also be caused by experiencing a lack of choice regarding one’s own body, threats to one’s sense of self and emotional neglect, among other causes.
If you think that you might be experiencing PTSD or similar mental health issues, LLL, you may want to work with a psychotherapist or counsellor who is specifically trained in sexuality and trauma (not all mental health professionals are). Additional supports might include working with Staci Haines’ amazing book and resource Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Trauma and working with a somatic sex educator or sexological bodyworker, both of which are professionals trained in hands-on sexual trauma healing work.
Of course, you may not feel “traumatized” at all, LLL, and I wouldn’t let anyone else decide for you whether that’s true. In a world where lesbian sexuality is still shamed and denigrated in many ways by the dominant culture and where sex in general is treated as something simultaneously compulsory and forbidden, it would make total sense for any queer woman to feel confused, anxious or blocked around sex. If you are relatively newer to having sex with other women, or if this is the first serious lesbian relationship you’ve had (you didn’t say this in your letter, but I just wanted to acknowledge it as a possibility), that might also add to any stress you’re having around sex.
Wherever your particular block is coming from, LLL, my suggestion is to make friends with the part of you that is saying “no” to sex. What does it have to tell you? What is it trying to protect you from? And, crucially, what would it need to come along for the ride? I think you are wise not to want to force yourself—consent is sexy, not least when we are asking ourselves for consent.
Sometimes it can be helpful to break the big black box of “sex” into bite-sized pieces. Your mental block might be saying “no” to intercourse or other activities that your brain is interpreting as too much or too intense for right now. But what about making out? What about nude cuddling? Sensual massage? Watching porn together? If you’re up to it, I’d encourage you and your partner to work together to create a list of sensual activities that you both can get really into and then enjoy them in an intentional way: see where the pleasure feels hottest and notice without judgment where that internal block starts to pop up.
Sex often feels so much easier and safer when we take intercourse, penetration or whatever activities feel the most challenging or scariest off the table. When that happens, the fear response in our brains and bodies can settle down and allow us to fully drop into the pleasure of whatever we’re doing. The more time you spend in that magical “zone” where deep pleasure and safety are paired, the more likely it is that the range of sexual activities you can access without feeling blocked will expand. For more on this, and for some great practical tips and tools, I’d recommend reading somatic sex educator Caffyn Jesse’s free(!) book, Intimacy Educator: Teaching Through Touch.
You’ve already come so far in your journey, LLL: you’ve claimed your lesbian identity and you’ve found a girl you’re truly falling for. Finding your way to true sexual fulfillment is just the next step, and I have no doubt that you can make it there. Trust your body, your boundaries and your process. Go at a pace that feels right to you. Most of all, follow your pleasure. It will take you where you need to go.
Kai Cheng Thom is no longer a registered or practicing mental health professional. The opinions expressed in this column are not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. All content in this column, including, but not limited to, all text, graphics, videos and images, is for general information purposes only. This column, its author, Xtra (including its parent and affiliated companies, as well as their directors, officers, employees, successors and assigns) and any guest authors are not responsible for the accuracy of the information contained in this column or the outcome of following any information provided directly or indirectly from it.
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