My desire for sex can be squashed by two things: anxiety (of which I have plenty), and laziness. As someone who primarily bottoms, it takes a lot of work and consideration to prepare for sex.
More often than not, instead of finding a potential suitor, making plans, douching, cleaning up my apartment and waiting for my hookup to arrive, I’ll grab a toy and take care of myself—it’s easier for me, both mentally and physically. This is something I’ve been doing considerably more of lately, which I didn’t expect as pandemic precautions fall away.
I figured that after two years cooped up in my modest, one-bedroom apartment that I’d be an insatiable little slut at the first given opportunity, but that hasn’t been the case. If anything, I’m more anxious than ever, and I’m not alone.
About a month ago, as if reading my mind, a mutual on social media tweeted: “The gays need to be more communicative about sex-based anxiety. Especially after many of us have been inactive for so long because of *gestures wildly*.”
The tweet got nearly 500 retweets and over 3,500 likes in only a few hours, ensuring that he and I are most certainly in good company in our “post”-pandemic sexual anxities. I followed this tweet with an informal poll and found that 69 percent of the 135 voters are feeling more anxious about sex since the pandemic.
“Current feelings about sexual anxiety have many roots,” Dr. Justin Lehmiller, scientific advisor at sex-toy brand Arcwave, tells Xtra. “For some, it’s about their health and the worries of being physically intimate while the pandemic continues. For others, it’s about the weight gain or body changes they experience as a result of changes in health and fitness habits [during the pandemic]. For some, it’s the result of stress. It’s often not just one thing.”
Devin, 35, who authored the aforementioned tweet, noticed that lately his social anxiety is being expressed sexually.
“I’m hoping my hookups decide to cancel these days,” he says. “To be honest, I think I’ve gotten bad at sex, and with all of these expectations you see online and in porn, I’m concerned that I’m a terrible fuck now, which will make me retreat into my head, and the feedback loop continues.”
Devin has had sex with two people in the last three years. He remembers experiencing overwhelming anxiety each time. “I feel like, in a decade or so, I’ll look back and regret not having more sex,” he says.
As someone who had anxiety and depression before the pandemic, Shaun, 43, said things have intensified. Performance anxiety worries him most, with attempts at hookups culminating in one of two ways: he can’t get an erection, or he cums too quickly.
“The latter is due to a lack of touch and physical connection for over two years, and the former … that’s all anxiety,” he says. “These two thoughts get wrapped up in my brain any time I have sex and I’m unable to perform in a way that I would expect or want. This cycle keeps repeating itself, and I can’t seem to break out of it.”
Sakshi, 25, lives with several chronic illnesses and finds sex and dating challenging, even without a pandemic.
“Thinking about sex or even dating often results in an anxiety attack, as it brings the fear of contamination and compromising my health,” she says. “Constant anxiety drains my body energy and makes the entire experience unbearable.”
Sakshi has not engaged in any sexual activity since the pandemic, explaining that even kissing and other forms of physical intimacy feel out of place. “The lack of physical closeness and touch has made it hard for me to trust my body with another individual,” she says. “I’ll end up feeling so off that after a few dates, I will decide not to pursue that person to avoid feeling anxious about my relational skills.”
It’s not just COVID-19 that has some people worried: the recent monkeypox outbreak has also led some to practise more caution when it comes to sex with new partners. Because the virus is primarily being found via men who have sex with men, dangerous and untrue stereotypes about who is likely to get infected have started to emerge. Thankfully though, agencies like the World Health Organization were quick to denounce the harmful messaging surrounding monkeypox being a “queer virus”: “It is important to note that the risk of monkeypox is not limited to men who have sex with men,” they wrote on May 25. “Anyone who has close contact with someone who is infectious is at risk.”
After polling my Twitter audience, 83 percent of the 150+ votes said that the outbreak is not preventing them from engaging in sex as they would normally.
“Between everybody being out at crowded bars every weekend, maskless, in the middle of a pandemic they’ve decided is over, and now this? I’m definitely just keeping to myself right now,” one voter responded.
“Moving away from ‘goal-oriented sex’ can help curb anxiety.”
If you find yourself feeling more anxious about sex and hookups than usual, try to show yourself compassion. “It’s normal to experience sexual anxiety from time to time, so don’t be too hard on yourself if this is an occaisional issue,” Dr. Lehmiller says. “There are a lot of things you can do on your own to try and cope with sexual anxiety. For example, you might try mindfulness or meditation exercises to help you relax, learn to be present and let go of distracting thoughts.”
You might also benefit from finding regular outlets for stress relief and self-care, whether that’s going for a run, getting a massage, taking a long bath or something else that you find relaxing. “Trying new sexual activities may also help because novelty can assist in creating a more immersive experience that draws you in,” Lehmiller says.
Moving away from “goal-oriented sex” can also help. This means taking the pressure away from orgasm, and instead just enjoying the experience. If someone can’t get an erection, it’s really not a big deal, since stimulating a flaccid penis still feels great and is no less fun to play with. Feeling insecure about your vulva? Ask your partner to stroke your face and or massage your scalp while you rub their genitals. The key is to adjust your sexual routine to where you feel most comfortable.
Many of the unecessary expectations we place on sex prevent us from actually enjoying the experience. The truth is that sex is subjective and should only be defined by you, not outdated social scripts that prioritize penetration and procreation, and ignoring folks who don’t enjoy those things or are otherwise incapable of doing them.
A conversation with a potential hookup about expectations, boundaries and likes and dislikes can really help manage sexual anxiety as well. Or revisit a fling that you know is understanding and empathetic. But if anxiety prevails, let your sexual partner know how you’re feeling and lighten the mood by ordering food and watching some TV, or planning to hang out at a later date.
If the self-help strategies aren’t cutting it and the anxiety is persistent and distressing, Lehmiller recommends consulting a certified sex therapist who is equipped with the tools to help.
Above all else, know that there is nothing wrong with you. There is ample pre-COVID research to support that sexual anxiety is common. For example, one study found a third of college-age women are unhappy with their bodies, which was detrimental to their sexual enjoyment, wheras another found a third of men had a poor image of their genitalia, which led to erectile dysfunction. As Lehmiller says, our anxieties all stem from a number of different reasons, yet the outcomes are often the same. Sex is an incredibly intimate and vulnerable act, so it makes perfect sense that anxieties of being inside someone are heightened after being told we cannot stand within six feet of them.
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