Your Toronto Pride survival guide

With Toronto Pride in full swing, you’re going to need to stock up to make it through the week without passing out. So, as a public service from me and Xtra, here’s a quick list of things to pack to keep you Pride-ready:

#1: Condoms and lube. Let’s face it: you’re in a city surrounded by naked, horny gay men who want to make sex on other naked, horny gay men. Chances are, you’ll get some. So, be safe about it by making sure you have plenty of protection on hand.

#2: Cigarettes, lighters and gum. You’ll never actually use any of these personally. Or you might. Point is, always have these on your person in case a cute guy asks you for any of them. It’s a great conversation starter, and in the case of the gum, a decent way to freshen your breath.

#3: Your cellphone charger. It’s a given that you’ll have your cell on you at all times, but should it die from too many sexts, you’re going to need to refuel that sucker, and you don’t have the time to rush home.

#4: Protein shakes and bars. During Pride, you will often be tempted to eat. DO NOT EAT. You are not allowed to eat anything during this week that isn’t pure protein. Just to make sure that you don’t pass out from starvation, keep these on hand, and eat them only when absolutely necessary.

#5: A wad of $5 bills. Nothing good comes free, obviously, so you’ll be spending a hell of a lot during Pride. As any stripper will tell you, nothing distracts from sexiness like jingling, jangling coinage. So, here’s where a wad of fivers comes in handy: instead of lugging around coins everywhere, just pay everything with the fives, and let them keep the change. You’ll earn some goodwill from bartenders and such while avoiding the pratfall of carrying around $20 in change.

#6: Sunscreen. I know, I know, tanned skin looks good. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look quite as good when you’re pointing out the weird new mole that you found on your body to your doctor. Wear sunscreen to keep your skin safe and free of sunburns.

#7: Mouthwash. No one wants to make out with a guy whose mouth tastes like a manhole. Wait; let me try that again… No one wants to make out with a guy whose mouth tastes like a sewer. Grab a travel-sized bottle of mouthwash and swish religiously.

#8: Enemas. Let’s just get this out in the open: asses are not naturally shiny, happy holes of wonder and antiseptic joy. At some point, you’re going to need to wash it. Worst-case scenario: pop into the bathroom with a store-bought enema, and you’ll be bright and shiny in no time.

#9: A copy of fab or Xtra. You know, on the offhand chance that you plan to read this week. Plus, it’s a great way to convince people you’re scholarly and shit. “Don’t mind me, I’m just reading my periodical. GUFFAW! Words. Waitress, bring me a flute of champagne; I need to drop my monocle in it.”

#10: A sense of humour. Yeah, I know this is just an abstract concept, but it’s PRIDE. Enjoy yourself and try not to take anything seriously. That’s what the other 51 weeks of the year are for.