Time for a quick rest

All right, we’re on the cusp of a gigantic weekend of drinking (responsibly!), sex (safely!) and various third vices (undefined!). So, here’s the deal: you motherfuckers need to rest up.

I’m serious. Go to bed! Close the 50-bajillion tabs of porn, YouTube videos and social networks that you have open in your browser and go to bed! Now! Don’t look up Yoshi on Wikipedia to figure out how in the fuck he has sex with Birdo (is his mouth a vagina?) or watch episodes of Community on Hulu! You can do that tomorrow. Now is the time that you need to take a shot of Nyquil, lay your weary head down and catch up on your sleep debt, so you can spend the weekend having harmless fun.

I’m serious, bitches. Go the fuck to sleep!