I’ve never made any effort to hide my general disdain for the Super Bowl, especially since this is the 21st year in a row the fucking thing has hijacked my birthday. Eat a hot bowl of fried dicks, Tom Brady.
Anyway, for those of you who don’t want to watch a bunch of grown men throw around a chunk of broiled pig skin — but enough about Madonna’s halftime show — there’s always the Puppy Bowl! Which one is for you? Let’s compare and find out . . .
The Players
Super Bowl – Once again, the New England Patriots will take on the New York Giants. To non sports fans, this would be like saying the Flim-Flam Leather Dolphins will be taking on the Skipflippadeedoo Banana Rammers.
Puppy Bowl – PUPPIES! EVERY KIND OF PUPPY IMAGINABLE WILL BE FROLICKING FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT!
Score – Super Bowl: 0, Puppy Bowl: 1
The Man Candy
Super Bowl – Every kind of man you could ever fuck is playing in the Super Bowl, and they are all filthy rich and dumb as a board. Muscle men! Skinny men! Heavy men! Black men! White men! Latino men! Asian men! Multicultural men! Douche-faced men! It is a buffet of stupid, rich peen.
Puppy Bowl – If you watch the Puppy Bowl and get an erection, your government is legally allowed to castrate you with a wrench.
Score – Super Bowl: 1, Puppy Bowl: 1
Actual Gameplay
Super Bowl – A football goes back and forth across a field. Despite being called football, it contains very few feet and no actual balls. It’s really more like Hand Egg.
Puppy Bowl – PUPPIES! FROLICKING! FUCKING EVERYWHERE! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!!!
Score – Super Bowl: 1, Puppy Bowl: 2
Halftime Show
Super Bowl – Madonna, Nicki Minaj and MIA. Respectable, but bested only by . . .
Puppy Bowl – KITTENS! You don’t like puppies? Then how about some KITTENS ALL UP IN YOUR FACE GRILL?
Score – Super Bowl: 1, Puppy Bowl: 3
Commercials
Super Bowl – Yup.
Puppy Bowl – Nope.
Score – Super Bowl: 2, Puppy Bowl: 3.
So there you have it! Watch the Puppy Bowl, and you will wish you had ovaries so they could explode out of your body because FUCKING PUPPIES, YEAH!
Why you can trust Xtra
