I’ve never made any effort to hide my general disdain for the Super Bowl, especially since this is the 21st year in a row the fucking thing has hijacked my birthday. Eat a hot bowl of fried dicks, Tom Brady.

Anyway, for those of you who don’t want to watch a bunch of grown men throw around a chunk of broiled pig skin — but enough about Madonna’s halftime show — there’s always the Puppy Bowl! Which one is for you? Let’s compare and find out . . .

The Players

Super Bowl – Once again, the New England Patriots will take on the New York Giants. To non sports fans, this would be like saying the Flim-Flam Leather Dolphins will be taking on the Skipflippadeedoo Banana Rammers.

Puppy Bowl – PUPPIES! EVERY KIND OF PUPPY IMAGINABLE WILL BE FROLICKING FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT!

Score – Super Bowl: 0, Puppy Bowl: 1

The Man Candy

Super Bowl – Every kind of man you could ever fuck is playing in the Super Bowl, and they are all filthy rich and dumb as a board. Muscle men! Skinny men! Heavy men! Black men! White men! Latino men! Asian men! Multicultural men! Douche-faced men! It is a buffet of stupid, rich peen.

Puppy Bowl – If you watch the Puppy Bowl and get an erection, your government is legally allowed to castrate you with a wrench.

Score – Super Bowl: 1, Puppy Bowl: 1

Actual Gameplay

Super Bowl – A football goes back and forth across a field. Despite being called football, it contains very few feet and no actual balls. It’s really more like Hand Egg.

Puppy Bowl – PUPPIES! FROLICKING! FUCKING EVERYWHERE! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!!!

Score – Super Bowl: 1, Puppy Bowl: 2

Halftime Show

Super Bowl – Madonna, Nicki Minaj and MIA. Respectable, but bested only by . . .

Puppy Bowl – KITTENS! You don’t like puppies? Then how about some KITTENS ALL UP IN YOUR FACE GRILL?

Score – Super Bowl: 1, Puppy Bowl: 3

Commercials

Super Bowl – Yup.

Puppy Bowl – Nope.

Score – Super Bowl: 2, Puppy Bowl: 3.

So there you have it! Watch the Puppy Bowl, and you will wish you had ovaries so they could explode out of your body because FUCKING PUPPIES, YEAH!