The sound of skin on skin

I hope readers of this column appreciate that I get a lot of gay porn in the mail. I mean, it’s way more than Customs thinks is reasonable.

I love watching them, writing this column and regifting them, but I worry that watching so much porn is beginning to have long-term effects on me as a human being.

I can’t take policemen, firemen or pizza deliverymen seriously. It’s for this reason I decided not to watch this month’s film and instead file this audio-based review.

I listened to the entirety of recent Hard Friction release Need It Bad. Through four scenes of subtle, synthesized background music, the sound of skin slapping skin, and the occasional profane cry of ecstasy, I was forced to use my imagination to fill in the blanks.

The first scene, between baritone Shay Michaels and tenor Adam Herst, is typical. What begins with the light sound of gentle kissing quickly escalates to gagging and moaning. Herst has little to say during the initial blowjob, but as the roles reverse, it becomes clear that Michaels is very vocal, offering lots of coaching and praise. Though the majority of what he says is, “yeah,” “oh yeah,” and “oh, fuck yeah,” at one point Michaels encourages, saying “Long strokes! There you go, that’s a long stroke — perfect.”

Through audio clues only, it occurs to me that these guys are not near a bed, or even a couch, but rather on top of a kitchen table, or perhaps a workbench. Their voices are mature and confident, their pace unhurried. The sound of kissing returns infrequently, and occasionally someone spits.

The sound of skin on skin and stifled screams intensifies over 10 minutes, then the baritone lets out dozens of “huhs” in rapid succession followed by a final growl, while the tenor moans through gritted teeth. Shortly after, the tenor lets out an orgasmic “oh” with undertones of a whimper, they share a final quiet kiss, and it comes to a sudden end.

Of course, there has never been a landmark gay-porn radio program, nor are the producers of porn likely to stop committing these acts to film. But the next time you and a lover are looking to add porn to your recreation, why not turn the volume up loud and the video off entirely?