Straight night

Good help is hard to find even in the midst of a global economic meltdown.

When I asked Moose at the Sports Mart on Broadway if I could see a pair of shoes in a size 9, he dropped them on a wooden island and went right back to talking to his blonde co-worker who was helping another customer. She told Moose that her birthday was next Tuesday.

“There’s only one place to go on Tuesdays,” Moose said. “Straight night at Celebrities.”

Now this I had to hear.

His co-worker was all like, “My friend went there, and like, this guy hit on him and everything…”

Funny, I’ve been going to gay bars for 20 years and rarely get hit on. A straight guy walks into one and magically gays loosen up and approach them.

“What did he do?” Moose asked.

“Say something homophobic,” I whispered, shaking a can of whoop ass. The blonde was interrupted when the guy she was helping asked for a different size.

“Let them finish!” I nearly shouted.

I was done trying on the shoes before hearing the end of the story— shoes I would have bought were it not for Moose who didn’t deserve a red cent of my gay dollar, commission or not.

This wasn’t the first time I’ve heard about straight night at Celebrities. A heterosexual couple was talking about it on Davie: “It was good, it was straight,” the guy said.

When it comes up, it’s always the guy convincing the girl that going to a gay bar is cool and the girl wanting to know, “Aren’t you afraid of getting hit on by a guy?” As opposed to say… having one of them beat the living shit out of you.

What’s puzzling is how Tuesdays became known as straight night. According to the Celebrities website, Tuesdays is cheap hi-ball night. There is nothing implying it’s hetero, which would suggest they’re organizing guerilla straight nights in gay bars.

Celebrities was a dancehall long before it was a gay bar; we’re lucky it’s still there, unlike Luvaffair and Richard’s. But I do have a problem with the term “straight night.” It reminds me of those assholes in the States campaigning for “White History Month.”

Heterosexuals haven’t earned the privilege of having a night named after them so until then Tuesday is still cheap hi-ball night.

Granville St must be pretty horrible for straights to gravitate towards gay bars. It’s a problem that just keeps giving: gays inherit the violence, are forced to sacrifice our IDs, and now we’re losing our nightclubs.

Hopefully straights will return the favour and start beating the shit out of each other and leave us the hell alone.