It must be a lot of fun to be a bon vivant.
Just look at Simon Doonan. The man has been called everything from “the Auntie Mame” for the next generation to “a lethal combo of Robert Benchley and Dorothy Parker” — or at least that’s what the quotes on his website say — but it seems that the creative ambassador at large for Barneys has decided to delve into the world of food writing. MFK Fisher is rolling in her grave, and Guy Fieri just put on a chastity belt.
The name of Doonan’s recent book? Gay Men Don’t Get Fat. [Has he been to a bear bash? — ed] The book’s premise is that food can be divided into two camps (pardon the pun): gay and straight. Brisket, meatloaf and matzo balls are straight. Salad (especially with baby or micro greens), sushi and dried fruit are gay. Oh, and lesbian foods? Porridge and wheat germ. Keeping that in mind, Doonan believes that the key to good digestion is to make your belly behave like a bisexual, or at least, comfortable in its own sexual gastronomy. A meal of straight-ish meatloaf would be best served with a green salad, rather than fries. Too much straight food and you’ll get an upset stomach or develop flab. He jokes that too much gay food isn’t good for you. On the subject of dried apricots, Doonan was quoted by The New York Times as saying that even though dried apricots are gay, too many make you gassy. [Apparently gay men don’t fart either . . . — confused ed]
Doonan is fond of sweeping generalizations, and as the aforementioned article in The
Times reports, dishing out anecdotes that are in need of
“liberal shakes of sodium.” In
the same article, when Doonan is asked about his own food choices, he
claims that his tastes run toward the bisexual: “I
don’t live on macaroons and lettuce.” [Come to think of it, I’ve rarely
seen men munching on macaroons . . . – sweeping generalizations ed] Editors at the Grey Lady seemed to enjoy him so much that they invited Doonan to a Q&A in their dining blog, where he is asked to opine about the sexual orientation of quiche Lorraine. His answer? “Quiche Lorraine is, and has always been, straight food wickedly packaged as gay. Beware the lardy quiche.”
Good to know. Tonight’s menu at my house: “legumes,” or as I like to say, beans.
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