Let them eat

You love food porn, right? Me too.

I also love reality TV competitions (current America’s Next Top Model slump aside). As long as “real people” continue to lose their shit when competing for prizes, I will continue to tune in.

Put those two things together and you get the stainless steel arenas of the Food Network, where chefs showdown for gigantic uncashable cheques and a title that has little to no use in the real world. Cake plus reality TV? Ding ding ding! We have a winner!

The most grandiose competitions are the Food Network’s cake-decorating challenges. Here, chefs are given seven hours to create massive and ornate cakes within a given theme.

Since 2005, this popular carb-culture phenomenon has inspired several spin-offs, including the Food Network’s Ace of Cakes, TLC’s Cake Boss and Ultimate Cake Off. It’s no surprise, given the magic formula.

There’s just one problem. While these cakes, with their flamethrowers and six-foot-tallness, are awesome, they’re also predictable.

Like yeah, okay, I’m impressed. But aren’t most of them just souped-up versions of the traditional wedding and birthday cake? Custom-made for happy Disney birthday boys/girls and blushing brides?

What if I’m a very un-Disney, slutty chick? Is there a corner of the cake-culture universe carved out for me?

Yes. Yes there is.

Frostitution is a Toronto company that creates custom pastries for special events. The name, proprietor Karen explains, acts as a kind of filtration process.

“People who find offence in my name are people I wouldn’t want to work with.”

Basically, Karen’s goal is to make your non-boring cake dreams come true. The weirder, the better.

“My favourite cakes that I make are probably the more perverted ones, the just totally bizarre. For my friend’s birthday last year, I made an ass shitting. He loved it. There are all these pictures of him chewing on the fake turd.”

Despite the glaring lack of pastries like her infamous “vag-cake” on shows like Ultimate Cake Off, Karen is still a fan.

“I love them,” Karen gushed, in our conversation about various TV cake celebs. “I love that they’re out there, showing what cake has to offer. The skill levels on those shows are so beyond.”

At the same time, she notes, the best part of cake is how it can be “personal,” a reflection of sex and sexuality as much as a love of Dr Seuss.

In discussing her queer clientele and the number of ass and boob cakes in her repertoire (I wanted to know if there was a connection), Karen chuckles.

“I don’t know if queers are hyper-sexual, but I’m definitely a sex-obsessed person, so that for sure is reflected in my cakes.”

In addition to Frostitution’s awesome creations, which you can check out on Karen’s Facebook group, Frostitution, and order at Frostitution@hotmail.com , if you love cake and are tired of the clean-cut fondant stylings of the Food Network, go to CakeWrecks.blogspot.com.

There, you can check out the best part of cake culture, where cake goes so wrong, it’s right. Cake plus a clear streak of insanity? We have a new champion!