In defence of ‘The Ultimatum: Queer Love’ and its straight host

The most intriguing moment of the second season of Netflix’s The Ultimatum: Queer Love arguably comes in the very last moments of its final episode.

For the uninitiated, the show—inspired by a heterosexual version of the same name—sees a group of queer couples, in which one partner wants to get married and the other doesn’t, “break up,” participate in a “trial marriage” with another participant and then come back together with their original partner and decide if they want to get engaged. It’s a format primed for intense lesbian drama, Spotify sex playlists and a shocking number of couples actually making it out engaged and seemingly happy. 

And there is plenty of discourse to be had about this season, ranging from Mel’s hair to why no one chose my queen Britney to everything that happened between Haley and Magan. But let’s talk about the reunion, and specifically, noted heterosexual host JoAnna Garcia Swisher. 

The final episode of The Ultimatum: Queer Love Season 2 is a reunion one year after the couples decided whether to get engaged or not. After the requisite reality TV reunion back-and-forth sniping—someone screams, someone leaves the set sobbing, one girlie obviously came in thinking she was the main character of the season—in its waning minutes, the attention of the whole cast turns toward the host. 

AJ—a sweet stud who initially came off as a player but spent the season learning to be a better partner to her fiancée Britney—unexpectedly leans over to thank Swisher for being a good ally.

It’s a twist that had my partner and I giggling with surprise from our couch. Of course, the gay reality show ends with its straight host tearfully being thanked for being a good ally! Of all the notes of reality TV mess or lesbian drama we could have ended on, it almost felt like a parody.

But as AJ and the other contestants started to earnestly weigh in on how much it meant to them to have Swisher’s support and to be able to show that support to loved ones in their real lives, I let my cynicism melt away just a bit. And I realized that there’s value in having this random straight woman there. 

It is no secret that we are in a fraught moment for queer and trans voices in media. During a recent appearance on CBC’s Commotion radio show to promote Xtra’s reality TV podcast Get Queer (subscribe wherever you get your podcasts!), I was asked about the future of queer representation on reality TV. While part of me wanted to be optimistic about what’s to come—I hope to see more barriers broken (a trans Bachelor?!) and more stories like mine on screen—I said that I feel the opposite will happen.

Spurred by United States president Donald Trump’s crackdowns on DEI, we will likely see networks pull back from this sort of wholehearted embrace of queer life. Netflix already has a thorny track record in that regard, including giving a contract worth millions of dollars to self-proclaimed transphobe Dave Chappelle. I doubt things are going to get any better in Trump’s America.

This season of The Ultimatum: Queer Love was filmed in Florida, and it’s notable how little attention—i.e., none at all—was paid to the fact that the state is home to a “don’t say gay” law. In the reunion, we did get one small moment where a cast member, Haley, nodded to America’s current political climate in the context of where she and fiancée Pilar planned to get married. And in a post-show interview with Netflix’s promotional site Tudum, she expanded on why she feels a sense of urgency to get married in the current moment. 

“We want to have a big, beautiful wedding, but that takes time and planning, and I don’t want to wait to be official … I did feel pretty safe being a queer person the last 10 years, but now to feel like all of that progress that was made is not being reflected in the path forward [in this country]. It does make me really concerned,” Haley said.

And that brings us back to Swisher, and the praise heaped upon her during this reunion. 

The choice of the ostensibly very straight Swisher—a discount Amy Adams lookalike probably best known for playing one of Reba McEntire’s daughters on the sitcom Reba—as the host of a lesbian dating show garnered plenty of raised eyebrows in the first season. And admittedly, she came off as stiff and oddly placed in that first go-around, with her presence being one of the key questions of the series I asked in my Season 1 review.

Many fans posited a slew of queer or queer adjacent celebrities who could’ve done better. And I’ll admit I was among those critics! Why didn’t we have someone like Cameron Esposito, Nicole Byer or Wanda Sykes diving into all of this? Why was this random straight lady here? 

But as the final minutes of the Season 2 reunion played out, I understood the value of having Swisher’s perspective on the show. It isn’t centred—rest assured, the gays and their mess make up 99 percent of the airtime—but rather serves as a welcome reminder of the outside world. 

One of the key themes of the Get Queer podcast is the idea of reality TV as an empathy-builder. For young people and their loved ones growing up in places and environments where they might not have real life queer and trans people around them, reality TV might be the first place they see a real person—not a fictional character—like them. In the podcast, we use the example of a younger me unaware that I was trans, seeing Zeke Smith on Survivor and finding that way to view my own identity. 

I’m not saying that The Ultimatum: Queer Love is going to awaken a generation of young lesbians in middle America who see trial wives Dayna and Mel, with their matching tattoos, as positive role models for homosexuality. But I do agree with the cast in those final minutes of the reunion that having Swisher there validating their love and expressing empathy isn’t inconsequential. 

There is always going to be a vital need for queer media made by queer people for queer people. Since the credits rolled on the incredibly messy but perfect pansexual season of dating show Are You the One? in 2019, I and many other viewers have been chasing that high. RuPaul’s Drag Race will live on forever (fracking be damned!) and I’m excited by new shows with distinctly queer sensibilities like King of Drag. 

But I’m grateful for a series like The Ultimatum: Queer Love trying what it does with its awkwardly straight host. On one hand, I’m hopeful that Swisher’s empathetic approach to these very messy lesbians sparks some sort of empathy in audiences with chaotic queers in their own lives. But as a messy queer myself, I also appreciate the way the final moments of the reunion made me step back a bit from my own cynicism over the “love is love” messaging out there. 

My partner and I watched the first few episodes last week with my future mother-in-law while she was visiting overnight. And while my partner and I had to explain to her what a “hey mamas” lesbian is, I was surprised by how quickly she took to the show. Today she called and said was probably going to re-subscribe to Netflix just so she could finish the season. 

I love the deep community discourse the show presents, like butch/femme dynamics and grappling with traditional ideas of marriage. But I also love the way it breaks down the complexities of lesbian sex via clip show—in a shockingly accessible-to-straight-audiences way—or gives space to its queer cast to thank the straight host for supporting them.  

“It brought a lot of light to my parents where they were like, ‘[The host is] straight?’ and I was like, ‘Yeah’,” AJ says during the reunion. “And if she can stand up here and accept all of us, and we don’t even need acceptance and understanding, but if you can stand here and be that person—I truly believe that is the gap that needs that bridge.” 

Should we get a Season 3, I’ll welcome Swisher back in all of her bumbling heterosexuality. I know it’s cringe, but a little bit of hand-holding between communities isn’t a bad thing right now. I hate that that is the bare minimum. But in our current moment—where even the concept of queer marriage in America is under threat—I fear we will need a whole lot more of that earnest gap-bridging in the weeks and months to come.