Virgo
Happy birthday, Virgo! It’s not every day you get to galavant around with bits of cake in your hair! (Or is it?)
Libra
The only thing you should be seeding is a new lawn.
Scorpio
Despite oozing polish and panache, we both know you’re hiding your inner nerdiness somewhere. Whip it out. Don’t be shy.
Sagittarius
Pokemon has been losing weight recently. It’s not a competition.
Capricorn
Now that Apple has finally released an unremarkable batch of iPhones, you can go back to appreciating what you already have.
Aquarius
It’s been a dramatic few weeks. Emergencies have popped up so frequently they’ve become banal. B-anal about looking after you.
Pisces
As much as you embrace change in others, in yourself you avoid it with more fervent vigour than Remy Shand avoids phone calls. Don’t “Take a Message.”
Aries
Your zest for living is bordering on addiction. You can’t imagine a day without the best of something — cappuccino, wine or wacky tobaccy. Try being boring. For an hour.
Taurus
When did fun fur go out? Bring it back.
Gemini
It’s cold and flu season. Wash your hands frequently. No one likes a “Germ-in-eye.”
Cancer
Someone just offered you an opportunity to lay down your game console and take to the stage. Do it!
Leo
The recent watershed (ie, incessant weeping) is finally finishing up. Now, you can slowly focus on eating, sleeping and washing yourself. Hooray!
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