Virgo

Happy birthday, Virgo! It’s not every day you get to galavant around with bits of cake in your hair! (Or is it?)

Libra

The only thing you should be seeding is a new lawn.

Scorpio

Despite oozing polish and panache, we both know you’re hiding your inner nerdiness somewhere. Whip it out. Don’t be shy.

Sagittarius

Pokemon has been losing weight recently. It’s not a competition.

Capricorn

Now that Apple has finally released an unremarkable batch of iPhones, you can go back to appreciating what you already have.

Aquarius

It’s been a dramatic few weeks. Emergencies have popped up so frequently they’ve become banal. B-anal about looking after you.

Pisces

As much as you embrace change in others, in yourself you avoid it with more fervent vigour than Remy Shand avoids phone calls. Don’t “Take a Message.”

Aries

Your zest for living is bordering on addiction. You can’t imagine a day without the best of something — cappuccino, wine or wacky tobaccy. Try being boring. For an hour.

Taurus

When did fun fur go out? Bring it back.

Gemini

It’s cold and flu season. Wash your hands frequently. No one likes a “Germ-in-eye.”

Cancer

Someone just offered you an opportunity to lay down your game console and take to the stage. Do it!

Leo

The recent watershed (ie, incessant weeping) is finally finishing up. Now, you can slowly focus on eating, sleeping and washing yourself. Hooray!