Leo

After watching Faye Dunaway’s gripping performance in Mommie Dearest the other night, I realized what it takes to be happy: great friends, a blanket, some tequila and Mommie Dearest. Pare down the list of what it takes to make you happy, too.

Virgo

Having a sick dog is a lot like having a sick child (probably). The sleepless nights, the bodily fluid(s). But complaining about the responsibility once the tag has been cut off is redundant. This isn’t Holts. NO REFUNDS.

Libra

Your apartment is looking really nice. Now that the nest is feathered, maybe you’re ready for company? Or not, you hussy.

Scorpio

I don’t know the last time someone compared you to candy, but the Scorpio mindset of late has switched from the honey nougat (but evenly hard) Toblerone bar to a hard-shelled but secretly gooey and sweet chocolate-covered cherry. Delicious!

Sagittarius

September means a new start for the majority of Canada’s educational programs. It also means an influx of new young ‘uns, just for you. Time for some schoolin’.

Capricorn

A friend was showing me photos of a recent lesbian wedding he went to. After the “I dos,” the couple, in matching bathing suits, leapt into a swimming pool. Screw just getting your feet wet — take the plunge, already!

Aquarius

In the 1970s, static electricity balls at science centres the world over made for some hair-raising excitement. In 2013, it’s drama.

Pisces

Recent craziness in the stomach department has had you questioning your body’s tolerance for your favourite yum-yums. Time to find new yum-yums.

Aries

How can anyone stay mad at you? You’re so damn cute! (Capitalize on this right now.)

Taurus

Yesterday: to be remembered today. Look back and reminisce a titch. It may help you scope out what your next pair of slacks should look like.

Gemini

Pills aren’t the only solution, Gemini.

Cancer

Gamble a bit. You’re feeling lucky.