ABC cancelled Work It. Thank God

As you may have heard, the much maligned Work It was given the unceremonious heave-ho by ABC today, after everyone realized that it was terminally unfunny and unwatchable and offensive. But how bad was it, really? Well, in honour of the axing, I went ahead and did a real-time review of the show so you can all experience the awfulness through me. Let it never be said I won’t take a bullet for you all.

0:54 – Thus far, I’ve counted about eight attempts at comedy. All of them failed. Interestingly, all of them were about being poor or getting raped, which makes me think they wrote this script by rifling through Whitney Cummings’ trash can after she’d written a new episode of 2 Broke Girls.

2:20 – So the crux of the show is that women are taking over the workplace, and it’s so hard being a straight white guy. Boo hoo hoo. I know, it must be hard to have a government full of people just like you who cater to your every whim. Oh darn, the jar of fucks I can give is empty. DAMN YOU, RECESSION!

3:30 – Oh, and in case you’re wondering, you can sift through the whole “women are taking over the workplace” for a silver lining about how women are finally being treated as equals in the workplace; apparently the writers of this show think the only reason women are employed is because their bosses want to fuck them. Seriously.

4:30 – There we have it! Our protagonist has finally figured out that he can dress like a woman in order to get a job! I should probably note here that you can literally hear people in the studio audience coughing. You know it’s bad when your studio audience, the easiest people to please, can’t even be bothered to humour your lack thereof.

6:00 – So our newly be-dragged protagonist is in for his interview. I couldn’t for the life of me remember anything he just said, and I’m typing this mere moments after having watched this. This isn’t so much dialogue as it is two human beings vomiting inconsequential beige slush on each other for two straight minutes.

7:00 – Rejoice! Our protagonist has his job, and for some reason feels the need to explain to his wife that this job does not require him to tuck his penis. I’m pretty sure there’s a gas leak in this guy’s house.

9:00 – Protagonist’s partner (Sucre from Prison Break. So very hot, but . . . why? Fucking why are you on this show?) wants in on this, but protagonist refuses to let him in because dressing like a woman is so very demeaning.

10:30 – So apparently, all of the protagonist’s co-workers are either bitches or morons. Once again: women in the workplace = hysterically absurd! Thanks, TV! Way to mine the comedic gold from 1960.

12:00 – There’s a reason I keep calling this guy protagonist, and that is because I cannot be bothered to learn his name, because fuck this show so hard. I’m just going to call him asshole from now on. Everyone’s cool with that? Well, asshole just threw out an entire sandwich because apparently, eating is unladylike. Hardy har har.

13:15 – So asshole just found out that Sucre from Prison Break is working in a fast-food place now and has decided to let him in on his plan. I’m sure the following conversation will be filled with a deep pathos between the two friends as they vow to work together to ensure both of their financial futures.

13:25 – HAHAHA! Just kidding. Here’s a montage of men trying and failing to wear bras as the absolute worst Black Eyed Peas song ever assaults every sense you have.

14:20 – And now we get to the part where everyone talks about how men dressing up like women goes against everything they believe in. Yay, we can finally cross off “hateful bullshit” on the list of reasons this show will never be seen or heard from again.

15:00 – Well, Sucre is in drag now. I’m pretty sure this is like how a guy pretends he’s “straight” before letting you shove a Crisco-lubed fist up his asshole. All I’m saying is, douchebaggery is usually an off-shoot of self-loathing. Go figure.

17:00 – Asshole is talking to every female stereotype ever. I’m pretty sure this is what Andrew Dice Clay thinks about when he jerks off.

18:30 – They’re all out for drinks and dancing, and now asshole and Sucre are trying to do them while Flo Rida songs play in the background. I have stared into the abyss and it has stared back into me.

20:25 – Asshole has used his brief time as a woman to bribe his wife into having sex with him. No one has learned anything from this. There is no character growth whatsoever. Your English degree has been rendered invalid by this show’s existence.

21:30 – Some of you might recognize the use of the last 30 seconds of a show to insert a quick, inconsequential scene as a “tag.” Shows do it to get in one last joke or extrapolate the story before ending. In the span of a 30-second tag, this show has unleashed so much unfunny on the world, it actually erased George Carlin from history.

So there you have it. Work It was a shit show that got cancelled. And yes, it was transphobic, but if the writing is any indication, I think the show may have hated everyone else on the planet, too. So let’s all gather round and wave goodbye as this show sails away, never to be seen again.