Naked Kombat’s martial arts

I went to visit my folks one night and found my dad asleep in front of the television watching mixed martial arts. I sat beside him for a moment as he woke up slowly. Eventually I said, “It’s just too violent for me, Dad. I wish they’d do one round of fighting and one round of fucking.”

And would you believe, that old prick pretended to fall back asleep?

Let’s be honest: mixed martial arts are only two thin layers of Lycra away from gay sex, and one website appealing to this particular fetish (and so much more) is kink.com.

While the wrestling matches in their Naked Kombat section are rarely as brutal as those seen on sports television, they’re more graphic in another, more interesting, way.

Each match begins with some posturing from the contestants. Four 10-minute rounds follow — first in colourful jocks, followed by tear-away jocks, then in the nude and finally a round that is not wrestling in any capacity.

The points system makes no sense whatsoever, the referee reminds me of someone with tinted windows parked down by the Rec Centre, and the substantial audience looks like the San Francisco Gay Men’s Choir after a leatherball. But the overall effect is pretty hot.

By the fourth round I invariably find myself cheering for the underdog.

After the “winner” has finished fucking the “loser,” or vice versa, there is a second post-match interview that is as entertaining as the fight itself. It’s hard to claim a moral victory after being repeatedly spanked inside a wrestling ring, but many try.

These videos — and the website as a whole — are great for a number of reasons. Not only are the videos well made and quick to the point, but the site features guys who aren’t pretending to be supermodels. They’re just hairy, sweaty guys fighting for my attention — at least that’s how I see it.

And kink.com provides a huge range of fetishes to sample, for gay and straight people, from fairly vanilla to extreme.

Maybe you’ll read this and think, “Not my thing.” Maybe you’ll never rent a hydraulic dildo or embed nine-inch hooks in your, or a loved one’s, flesh. But at least you’ll know these things are readily available.

Before writing this article, I wouldn’t have predicted I would watch 10 full matches of Naked Kombat, but that actually happened.

I’m not saying that I want a guy to come over to my place and put me in a figure-four leg-lock. Then again, I have Tuesday night off.