The dangers of last-minute shopping

So let’s say, hypothetically speaking, you put off all your Christmas shopping until, oh, I don’t know . . . today. As in, less than two days before Christmas.

Now for some reason, Air Jordans are still a thing. I know — I didn’t think shoes endorsed by a former basketball player who hasn’t been on the court in years are still big gets during the holidays, but here we are. Anyway, let’s say you find a store that’s selling the shoes. Here’s the moral quandary: do you trample a little girl to get some shoes?

If you answered anything other than “HELL FUCKING NO,” don’t feel too bad, because it turns out an entire group of people will happily trample little girls in exchange for shoes. Yay, crass commercialism. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.