Footwear of the antichrist

I don’t normally weigh in on fashion. There are people far better equipped than a girl who can often be seen stumbling toward her favourite West End café in the morning wearing pajama pants, gardening shoes and a raincoat. However, when a serious fashion problem faces my community and when I’m sufficiently caffeinated, I feel compelled to try and be part of the solution.

Every year the weather turns warm and butch voices (along with a few confused femme or otherwise-identified ones) fill the air with the mournful cry: “What, oh what, am I to wear on my feet?” Unfortunately, the all too frequent answer they come up with is “Tevas.” Let me state categorically that this answer is wrong. Big red X wrong. 1 + 1 = 3 wrong. Not up for discussion wrong.

Tevas or any kind of velcro, sport sandal-type thing are the footwear of the antichrist. No one–I repeat, no one–should wear these abominations for the feet. Not boys, not bois, not butches, not men, and for the love of all that is holy, not lesbians. Please, lesbians, you’ve got to stop. I know it’s hot. We’re all hot. But let’s not lose our minds completely here.

You don’t have to be Beau Brummel but there is no need to go out of your way to look terrible. These shoes are ugly, stupid and can take a sexy butch or trans man and render her or him completely un-dateable within seconds.

If you’re single this summer and you’re wearing Tevas, don’t kid yourself; there’s a connection. If you’re in a relationship and you wear Tevas, ask yourself if this is a relationship worth keeping and dress your feet accordingly. And if you’re half of one of those couples that walk about with both of you wearing Tevas, oh forget it. I don’t even want to think about you people. It upsets me.

If you are a Teva wearer I would hope that you will take it upon yourself to rid yourself of any pairs you might own. Otherwise, I will be forced to step in. So far I have limited my Teva tossing to friends and lovers.

Girlfriend: Honey, have you seen my sandals?

Me: Why no, honey, I haven’t.

Desperate times call for desperate measures and I am not above sneaking into your home when you are at work and disposing of the offending bastards for you. Think of it as a femme fashion intervention for your own good; a femmetervention, if you will.

I understand that it’s a problem for the fashion conscious butch and I sympathize. What to wear when your dogs are barking from the heat? Well, you know, I like a fella in flip-flops. Now, I know most of you butches think flip-flops are not masculine enough but I assure you they are not only masculine but also downright sexy. Look to our fag brothers. They’re wearing them right left and centre, even the really butch ones!

If history has taught us nothing else it has taught us that gay men dress better than lesbians nine times out of 10. Why are you following the one guy in Tevas instead of the nine hotties in flip-flops? Why?

You can get more manly, robust, surfer flip-flops if that makes you feel better. I even saw a guy the other night (who I believe may have been a homosexual, such style he had) who had some leatherish looking ones on; very stylish, very masculine, very not Tevas.

And don’t give me any kind of that but-you-can’t-run/bike/hike/ save-children-from-a-burning-house-fire-in flip-flops bullshit. Who are you kidding? You’re not running anywhere. And if you’re biking, there are those sexy little bike shoes you can wear. And if you’re doing anything else that involves possible injury to your feet, no kind of sandal meets safety codes so shut up and put your sneakers on. A reluctant man-friend of mine recently protested that flip-flops don’t give him the support his feet need.

“If I could get some swanky kind of flip-flops with an arch support, stiff sole, soft straps and shock absorbing heel, then giddyup,” he offered.

I told my friend, and now I’m telling you, if you’re searching for support from any kind of sandal you are a dorkus. Arch support? Shock absorbing heel? You’re not going to get that from a sandal, period. You are destined to wear nothing but shoes forever. Even to bed. I mean, really, if your feet are that bad, perhaps you should just have someone pull you around in a little red wagon.

As you have most likely gathered, I feel strongly about this. I don’t really care about world hunger or whatever is going on in Iraq but I do care about the epidemic of disfashion that is Teva-wearing. We must stamp out this podiatric scourge. And we must be wearing flip-flops while we stamp.

Brothers and sisters, are you with me?