“Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse” is a column by Kai Cheng Thom to help you survive and thrive in a challenging world. Have a question? Email askkai@xtramagazine.com.
Dear Kai,
Thank you so much for your advice column—it’s the only one I’ve read that is empathic, vulnerable and provides lots of useful information.
As a non-binary, neurodivergent, mad, queer person of Iranian descent, I grew up feeling ashamed of many aspects of myself. I have a weird issue (don’t we all?): I feel both internally—and, to some extent, physically—intersex, and part of me feels attracted to women in ways that I feel a straight man would.
This makes me feel dirty and wrong and confused. I don’t identify as male, and if anything the more sexually attracted I am to a woman, the less I feel like I have potential to “love” her. It’s been much easier for me to access dating, relationships and sexual flings (that have so far been unsatisfying at best, abusive at worst) from men.
I’m starting to think that my only way of accessing something that might feel good with a woman would be to hire a sex worker. I read your advice on this topic, which was empowering and increased my understanding of what’s possible—however, I have no idea how to access such services. Are there any websites, classified ads, etc., that you would recommend to find out about sexual services? I’m clueless as to where to look and what a fair price would be.
Thanks,
Hoping To Hire
Dear H2H,
I confess that I find myself delighted by the straightforwardness and authenticity of this request for advice. How does one go about hiring a sex worker whose services are right for one’s needs? It’s such a simple question, yet in the sex-negative, whorephobic dominant culture, it’s one that is mired in potential stigma and shame. Power to you, H2H, for opening up this topic in such a vulnerable and respectful way. If only we could all have such open, honest and curious conversations about sex and sex work.
Let me state here plainly for those readers who may be new to the topic: I believe that the legal exchange of erotic services for fair compensation between consenting adults is essential to a truly sexually liberated society. In a better world, sex work would be esteemed as a skilled profession of physical and emotional care, much in the same way that psychotherapists, occupational therapists and social workers are currently regarded. Workers would be free to choose, decline or leave the field of erotic labour without coercion, and they would receive training, mentorship, protection and benefits commensurate with the demands of the job. In other words, they would have the same labour rights all workers are (or should be) entitled to.
Unfortunately, H2H, as you have probably noticed, we do not yet live in such a world, and so the business of buying and selling skilled, ethical sexual labour is considerably more complex than it ought to be.
(For those readers looking for a thorough examination of whether hiring sex workers is ethical, I invite you to read a previous “Ask Kai” column I wrote on the topic. In this edition of the column, I’ll respond to some of the more specific, practical aspects of H2H’s question.)
Depending on where you live (or where you intend to hire), the laws and regulations regarding sex work can vary enormously. In some jurisdictions, like much of the U.S., full-service sex work—the kind that involves in-person physical intercourse or similar activities—is illegal for both the seller and the buyer. In other jurisdictions like Canada, full-service sex work is legal for the seller (as long as they are selling their own services and not someone else’s) but illegal for the buyer. In other places, it is illegal to sell sex but legal to purchase it.
That said, H2H, my first piece of advice to you is do your homework. Find out about any laws that may apply to you and decide what risks you are and are not comfortable taking when purchasing sexual services. (And please note that I am not a lawyer or a legal professional, and this humble column is not professional legal advice!) You may also wish to start your exploration with some erotic services that are legal (or less criminalized), such as strip clubs and online sex chatrooms or webcam shows.
The next consideration is the health risks the sex worker may incur, and you should think about how you’d like to navigate your mutual safety and benefit. Before you purchase sexual services from another person, you should find out if you have COVID-19, sexually transmitted infections or other communicable infections, and proceed with the proper treatments and precautions to ensure you’re both protected. These considerations are the same as the ones you might make when contemplating in-person sexual activity with any new partner.
Now for the million-dollar question: Where does one find a sex worker, and how do you determine whether an individual worker is right for you? The “marketplace” of the sex industry is vast and constantly changing, and thanks to the ongoing criminalization and oppression of sex workers, it can be very difficult to get accurate information about who anyone is and what they do. So here, again, H2H, I return to the importance of doing your homework. Take the time to research your options before reaching out to a sex worker to request a meeting.
In your letter, you discuss how the many identities that you hold (or perhaps the oppression that the world has directed at them) have had an impact on how you feel about yourself. You also mention some complexities you experience in your attraction to women.
These are all important aspects of yourself that I imagine you might like to have held with consideration and respect by a sex worker. You may even wish to discuss your experiences and identities with your sexual service provider and ask for some level of emotional support. If you have specific fantasies, fetishes or kinks that you’d like to explore, it will be necessary to talk to them about them in advance. That kind of service requires a relatively specific set of skills, and I suspect you will have much better luck with an independent provider who specializes in personalized intimate experiences than with an escort agency.
Advertising spaces for independent workers are, unfortunately, always shifting because ongoing attempts to drive sex work off the internet have resulted in once reliable, low-barrier options, such as Craigslist and Backpage, being made unavailable. At the time of this writing, I might suggest trying Tryst, an ad platform created specifically for independent workers, or Slixa, a platform that weaves sex worker advocacy into its marketing. For those in the Toronto area, Now Toronto continues to run online classifieds, with a section specifically for adult entertainment. And for a more therapeutic (but still erotically intimate) experience, there’s The Global Directory of Tantra and Sacred Sexuality Professionals and Trusted Bodywork; these are but a few of the many options out there.
Once you’ve found a provider who seems to be a match, check if they have a personal website or social media presence. This serves a number of purposes, including ensuring that they are a real person with an established history in the industry (this will help you avoid scams and bad experiences), getting to know their public personal and professional philosophy and learning about their boundaries, preferences and skills.
Making initial contact (usually through email, text or phone call based on the provider’s preference, which will be stated in their ad or on their website) is an opportunity for you both to make sure you’re a good fit for one another. Ask questions about your specific desires and hopes, and be clear about your boundaries and needs. As with any kind of service provider, the quality and knowledge of sex workers varies greatly—don’t be afraid to ask whether a sex worker is, for example, familiar and comfortable working with non-binary and intersex clients.
That said, it’s considered good etiquette to ask just a few key questions and provide a few important details in the initial contact—don’t offer or request a whole autobiography, or otherwise demand too much unpaid time. Think about first contact with a sex worker the way you would about a free consultation with a solo practice therapist, accountant or other independent contractor. Most people are comfortable giving you about 15 to 30 minutes of unpaid conversation before things start to feel exploitative or inconsiderate. It’s the professional’s job to make you feel comfortable, respected and well-informed about their services; it’s your job to respect their expertise and time.
Pricing varies enormously in the erotic industry, as it does in any service industry. A good analogy might be food service workers: a typical restaurant server makes about $28,000 annually in Canada, but a small number make significantly higher income and a very few make much, much more in luxury settings. I suggest taking some time to think about your budget and what the service you are seeking is worth to you.
Do not haggle or try to bargain with a sex worker. If their rates are listed online, make sure to check those in advance of making contact. If a provider’s rates are not listed and they quote you something out of your budget, it is fair to let them know and walk away. If you are asking for a specialized service—something therapeutic, for example, or BDSM/kink—expect it to cost more. It is not unusual for an independent sex worker to charge $100 to $800 per hour for their time. Some don’t work on an hour-based model and instead charge based on the experience or act(s) they are providing.
So there you have it, H2H. Go forth, be safe and good luck! It can be incredibly empowering and very special to get your needs met by a qualified and skilled professional. When the dynamic is right and the exchange is fair, you both stand to gain and have a good experience. In the best of times, sex work can provide us with a glimpse into a better world.
Want more Kai? Check out her latest Quick Tips video.
Kai Cheng Thom is no longer a registered or practicing mental health professional. The opinions expressed in this column are not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. All content in this column, including, but not limited to, all text, graphics, videos and images, is for general information purposes only. This column, its author, Xtra (including its parent and affiliated companies, as well as their directors, officers, employees, successors and assigns) and any guest authors are not responsible for the accuracy of the information contained in this column or the outcome of following any information provided directly or indirectly from it.
Why you can trust Xtra
