PRIDE BOY
FASHION
1) Tight End Tank
On a straight guy, a tank top is called a wife beater. Luckily muscle queens have redeemed the tank top by having the wearer be someone we would like to see beat off rather than beat up.
Muscle queens, you have done a great service to the clothing industry. Please continue to break the wife beater stereotype by buying them in smaller sizes and peeling them off in public. Also, don’t be afraid to oil yourself up afterwards. We salute you.
2) Pitcher/Catcher T-shirts
We homos have a thing for our tight sports Ts: if the shirt shows off our pecs and even mildly references sex, it’s a must have. Especially when the double entendre on the front can’t be decoded by our elderly grandmothers who think we don’t have enough time to find a nice woman because of all the baseball we play.
Imagine grandma’s weekly tea with the gals: “No, Tommy still hasn’t found himself a girl yet. He spends too much time on that baseball team. He’s a catcher, you know. It’s a very demanding position. He has to practice every day with the team pitcher and sometimes those balls fly right at his face. But my Tommy catches every one, even the foul ones. More tea, Edna?”
3) Cipo & Baxx Jeans
Jeans were once considered to be a poor man’s pants worn only by factory workers because of their durability. Now no one can be without them and you need to take out a sizeable loan to be able to keep up with denim styles.
Well I’m sorry to say that the tightass jeans that we’ve poured most of our income (and asses) into will soon go the way of hammer pants and shoulder pads.
That’s right, it’s no longer considered fashionable to be able to tell if you’re circumcised through your jeans.
Loose-fitting jeans that still show off the ass while giving your package a little room to breathe is where it’s at right now.
So like the power bottom said to the naïve top, loose is the new tight.
4) Ed Hardy Underwear
There’s something about this underwear that makes me want to buy a Harley and ride cross-country listening to nothing but my motor purring on the open highway and Lynnard Skinnard.
When the hell did gay underwear go all Hell’s Angel Chic on me?
Honestly, it’s impossible to keep up with underwear fashion, especially when I can’t see what the man on the street is wearing without a nice game of “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”
I think we need more underwear parties to show off our intimates. Every T-dance would be like Christmas morning where the twink with the flashiest package would be the first unwrapped.
5) Dior Precoll 2 Sunglasses
If there’s one thing Paris Hilton has taught me — and I doubt it — it’s that big sunglasses are hot.
The gender line on sunglasses is pretty blurry and anyone can get away with wearing anything. These aviator style glasses still have that masculine shape to the lenses, but the glasses are still flashy enough to win Ms Hilton’s approval.
6) Pistol Pete’s Houndstooth Swim Trunks
What would summer be without a pool party? If you’ve worked hard all year to get a great beach body and you want to hang out with the boys, you have to have the right suit. You can’t just throw on some old Speedo and expect to be the talk of the shallow end.
This is the one time you can show everybody your package and ass without actually showing your package and ass, so please make it pretty.
7) Adventure Pendant
Accessories are important and, with the exception of ancient Egypt, the pimped out ’70s and the baroque period, there has never been a better time for men to sport a little bling.
All you need are small pieces of jewellery with a little bit of colour to go with your outfit. Then guys will talk to you about how great your jewellery is and you can have sex with them.
PARTIES
Overhang
Who doesn’t love a rooftop party with a bunch of cuddly bears?
What was once called Bear Bounce has been renamed Overhang and organizers are promising an all-bear DJ lineup.
What exactly is an all-bear DJ lineup anyway? Do bears listen to different kinds of house music than the rest of the gay community? Are they listening to remixes of the teddy bear’s picnic or have they invited Teddy Ruxpin to spin at their party? That shit would be crunk.
Naked Pride
This seems like the best deal on the planet. When you go to a naked party to pick up, you know exactly what you’re going home with. Plus, it’s really easy to tell if a guy is interested in you. So much time is wasted picking out an outfit just so you can go to a party and meet someone who will want to take it off you. Cut out the middle man. This party lets you say “Hello, like what you see? Let’s roll.” You can even come back for seconds or thirds.
Q-Factor
Last year saw the conclusion of the very popular Oddball dances, leaving many oddball aficionados to wonder what they would do for this year’s Pride.
Then a small group of oddballs stood up and said “the tradition shall not die.” From there the Bent Umbrella Society created Q-Factor, a new Pride party for the alternative queer who isn’t into circuit parties or the social status battlefield that is Davie St.
So come costumed, come crazy and come alone or in a group. Everyone is welcome at Q-Factor.
Rapture Recovery
Rapture, in theological terms, relates to the return of Jesus. So when the Rapture comes, the big man is coming back.
I love that this is also the name of a circuit party.
I’m sure this party will be just like the end of days except in this case, the horsemen of the apocalypse will be DJs, the archangels will be go-go boys and Big Daddy J will be a Puerto Rican drag queen.
I’m not sure how the recovery part fits in. Rapture can also mean a state of ecstasy. Usually the recovery from a state of ecstasy is called Suicide Tuesday.
SEX TOYS
1) Tenga Flip-Hole Masturbator
The clean design of the Flip-Hole Masturbator makes you think that you’re about to stick your dick into an iPod attachment.
If that were true it would probably be another reason why a Mac is better than a PC. But this modern marvel is made by Tenga, the Japanese company devoted to the next generation of masturbation.
The device has buttons on its outside to let you apply pressure to different areas of your cock as you slide in and out. The inside is a pleasure path of nubs, bumps and ridges designed to stimulate every side of your penis.
It’s great for any guy who has ever wanted to fuck his home electronics.
2) Anal Ring Toss
Is your Pride party going nowhere fast? Here’s a fun game that is sure to liven things up. Simply grab the nanciest bottom at your party, take off his pants and stick this butt plug rod up his ass and play ring toss.
Your party guests can line up and the winner gets to have sex with the bottom. If you want to make it even more fun, don’t tell the nancy bottom what’s going on and instead of the butt plug rod, use a baseball bat.
3) Anal-Eaze
Anal-Eaze is a cream you apply to your ass that has a numbing agent to make anal sex less painful. Size queens everywhere are heaving a sigh of relief because although big cocks look good, sometimes their eyes are bigger than their asses.
What strikes me about this product is that it’s cherry flavoured. Why on earth is ass numbing cream cherry flavoured? Is the idea that someone is going to stop having sex just to see what their lover’s butt tastes like? Rim jobs will start off feeling good but will eventually feel like someone is trying to shove a dead slug up your hole. When the fucking resumes, the top’s mouth will be so numb that he probably won’t be able to control his drooling. Then the back of your neck will be wet. I think this flavoured business is a little superfluous.
4) Le Poing Original
Dildos are great but they are becoming so commonplace. The market has become saturated with replica phalluses that makes sifting through the myriad of choices almost impossible. Every porn star has a version of his cock for sale and, honestly, can you feel the difference? Probably not.
It’s time to take anal toys to the next level. Priape has come out with a replica fist that you can shove up that hungry hole of yours and you will feel the difference. It has a long forearm for easy retrieval and it’s fire engine red so it’s easy to find when you need it in a hurry.
PRIDE GIRL
FASHION
1) Isadora Corset
There was a time when corsets were the bane of feminine existence. They were uncomfortable and made breathing a luxury few women could afford.
Now the corset is back and it’s meant to be seen instead of hidden under eight layers of Victorian silk. Curves are a good thing, so show them off.
As far as the pain goes, it’s still there so you’ll have to suck it up. Pain is beauty.
2) Vintage Vest
Nothing butches up an outfit quite like a vest. If you see a girl in jeans and a T-shirt casually sipping a cocktail at a bar while giving you flirty looks and tucking her hair behind her ear you know she’s interested in you and would like you to buy her a drink.
Now throw a vest on her.
Suddenly that cocktail became a beer, instead of tucking her hair behind her ear she’s scratching her head through her Mohawk, those flirty eyes are now a basilisk stare and not only is she interested but she’ll tear your pussy apart. With your consent, of course.
3) Bombshell Tank
For those that like grrls with a major grrr, beware of the hellcat wearing this tank. First of all it’s camouflage, so you’ll never see her coming. Second, there’s an orange outline of a grrl on it. Third, that grrl is holding a bloody missile. Not a slingshot, not a gun, not a basket full of kittens, but a fucking missile.
4) Current/Elliot Boyfriend Jeans
Hollywood is finally taking a page from the lesbian book of fashion.
For years lesbians have been crossing over to the men’s side of American Eagle for comfortable jeans that still look good. Then one day Katie Holmes went walking around town in a pair of loose fitting jeans that looked like her meal ticket’s hand-me-downs and all of the sudden a new style was born: Boyfriend Jeans.
As in “I am wearing my boyfriend’s jeans today.”
Are you fucking kidding me? Dykes have been choosing comfort over style for years. What the hell does a boyfriend have to do with it?
Shouldn’t they be called Fuck You jeans? As in “Fuck you stylistas, I’ll wear whatever I like and don’t throw the word boyfriend in my face unless you want your ass kicked?”
5) Outlaw Tuxedo Shirt
For the classier boi, the outlaw tuxedo shirt combines the rugged mythos of the old west outlaw with the sophisticated lines of a crisp starched shirt.
6) Bettie Page Shorts
Some femmes like to hearken back to a simpler time. A time when pinups were the ultimate in sassy chic and clothes were meant to accentuate hips rather than make women look like sick 11-year-old boys.
No one embodies that better than Bettie Page. She may not have started the trend of accentuating curves, but aren’t you glad her name is now synonymous with vintage style?
These shorts will keep your legs cool without exposing your derriere. Pair it with the quintessential Bettie Page haircut and you’ll tell the world that you’re really a good girl who likes to be spanked on occasion.
7) Tung rainbow logo barbell
How many holes in your head does it take to be popular in the lesbian community? I’m not sure, but piercings are big. Why not show a little Pride on your tongue with a rainbow barbell? You can even play a game with your girlfriend. You wear the rainbow barbell on your tongue and she gets her clitoris pierced and hangs a pot of gold off it. Then you just follow the rainbow to the pot of god. Just make sure her vagina is clear of magnets. You could be stuck there for days and at some point she will have to pee. Otherwise, have fun.
8) Skinz-N-Hydez Cuffs
In the 1970s, punks wore leather cuffs around the wrist because it alluded to bondage and shocked the establishment. Now many people wear leather cuffs for their loose association to punks. Either way, they’re clearly not going out of style.
These one-of-a-kind cuffs have taken the cuff into the realm of high fashion. I can just imagine that in 30 years people will be wearing cuffs not because they still reference punk but because they reference Miley Cyrus referencing punk. No one rocks the cuff like Hannah Montanna.
9) Dragon Pinstripe Fedora
Who knew Frank Sinatra would be such a style icon for lesbians? Whenever I see a girl in a fedora, I always expect her to start snapping her fingers and singing “The Lady is a Tramp.”
Don’t get me wrong, as far as icons go Ol’ Blue Eyes was the king of cool and this fedora pairs Rat Pack style with a design by Miami Ink so the cool factor just shot up 10-fold. It’s like a night in Vegas with a stogie in one hand, a showgirl on your arm and a spot at the thousand dollar blackjack table.
PARTIES
Chicas
This will be the first year that Chicas will not be held at the mansion. Instead Chicas is moving ever so slightly out of the Village to its new location at the Wall Centre, so the nudie girl ice sculptures and the less-than-sober lesbians may be strewn about the manicured lawn of one of Vancouver’s poshest hotels.
Heads will turn and breeders will stare as dyke mayhem unfolds in all its glory.
I guess Flygirl can kiss its damage deposit goodbye!
Bride of Pride
What is there to say about a women’s sex party? It’s a sex party for women — is that not enough to entice you?
It’s women being kinky, having fun and getting naughty. I would go, except I can’t because I’m not a woman. I have to go to a bathhouse and wait for a nod from a kindly stranger. I don’t get to enjoy a party atmosphere. For fuck’s sake people, it’s a sex party! Why are you still reading this when you could be at a sex party?
Q-Factor
Last year saw the conclusion of the very popular Oddball dances, leaving many oddball aficionados to wonder what they would do for this year’s Pride.
Then a small group of oddballs stood up and said “the tradition shall not die.” From there the Bent Umbrella Society created Q-Factor, a new Pride party for the alternative queer who isn’t into circuit parties or the social status battlefield that is Davie St.
So come costumed, come crazy and come alone or in a group. Everyone is welcome at Q-Factor.
SEX TOYS
1) Aslan Arm Restraints
Now this is a piece of bondage. Houdini couldn’t get out of these restraints.
When your lover pulls these out of the closet, you know you’re going to be sore tomorrow.
The really surprising thing is that although it looks like a medieval torture device, the leather is actually quite soft and the restraints are very comfortable. It’s like a Snuggie for a Hellraiser demon.
2) Chin-up harness
I’m a little flabbergasted by this one. It never occurred to me to have a dildo come out of your mouth. Then again, I guess this is mostly for women. A gay guy would probably put it on backwards.
This must be an ideal gift for head bangers. I guess fucking someone with your mouth as a harness is hot, but what if your neighbour suddenly starts playing Slayer really loud and your girlfriend gets carried away? You are in for the boffing of your life and your pussy will feel like a mosh pit.
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