Same old story. Lonely married men on the prowl for desperate gropings with guys on the sly.
Except they’re not lonely; they’ve got fulfilling home lives. And they’re not desperate; they’re quite choosy. And some of them are women, and more and more of them are honest with their partners about their hookups.
Attached straight men and women looking for gay encounters are now very common, says Noel Biderman, founder of Ashley Madison (AM), a hookup website designed for married folks looking to have affairs.
“Sometimes, a partner cannot provide the desired sexual outlet. For example, if a woman is seeking a same-sex relationship, then obviously her husband can’t physically provide it. What are her options? What if he says he’ll leave her?” says Biderman.
Currently, AM boasts 200,000 attached users looking for casual same-sex hookups across Canada and the United States. Just over half of them are men. Biderman says most of these people are looking for something “less vanilla” than what they’re getting at home, like oral, anal or group sex.
“As we begin to understand adultery better, we ignore the self-help gurus trying to disenfranchise sex. Adultery is about sex. Whether we’re male or female, sometimes we need to behave in non-traditional ways,” says Biderman.
Biderman says AM offers discretion, something few other hookup websites provide. Dating websites, particularly free ones, generally cater to single people wanting relationships.
“The big thing between AM and other sites is your profile is honest. It says ‘I’m married. I’m not going to leave it. This is what I’m looking for,’” says Biderman.
When people go to more traditional online dating, they usually have to lie about their relationship status, says Eric Resnick, online dating expert and coeditor of Online Personals Watch.
“When having an affair, the problem with using mainstream online dating sites is you have to lie about your status or worry about your spouse’s single friends seeing you on the site. You may as well use a site like AM where everyone starts on the same level,” says Resnick.
Will Scott understands. He’s the publisher of Squirt.org (owned by Xtra’s parent company, Pink Triangle Press), where bi and married guys’ cam sessions are always jammed with straight men jerking off for each other.
“We’re really careful not to enforce an identity on anyone using Squirt. We have guys who identify as straight, and we have guys who include their female partners in their play, and we don’t discourage any of them coming to the site,” says Scott.
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CASE STUDY #1: Straight men, gay sex
During the week, 34-year-old Ottawa native Jimmy is happily married to Judy, 35. They have two children, ages three and four. Jimmy is a project manager for the government, and he often travels for his job. Judy is a teacher. They have been together since high school.
Jimmy takes his vows seriously and would never leave Judy, because he loves her and his children. Not only do he and his wife share children and friends, they also do sporting activities and go on vacations together. They are both very active people. They have a great life together.
But Judy can’t give Jimmy everything he needs.
During the weekend, Jimmy loves sucking men’s cocks. He feels he needs this quiet outlet away from his vanilla heterosexual lifestyle. But if Judy were privy to this secret, he fears she would leave him.
“I started cruising for men as an army cadet in my late teens. I went out of town a lot and realized I liked oral sex with men, but I didn’t want to be labelled gay or bisexual. I also didn’t want to lose Judy,” says Jimmy.
Aside from the odd out-of-town bathhouse, Jimmy says he meets most of these men on Craigslist. He posts a free ad, usually consisting of the words “I’m looking for a guy to please.” He specifies that he’s looking only for oral, not anal, evenings before 10pm, aged 40 and under. Throughout the workday, Jimmy checks his BlackBerry for emails from a nondescript Gmail account. Pictures of penises, abs, daddies and trans men are sent from guys looking for an after-dinner assignation. He’s picky and only goes out a few times a month.
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CASE STUDY #2: Gay men, straight ass
Toronto native Peter, 32, is a gay man. On Craigslist, he frequently cruises for married guys. In fact, he says he has casual sex with straight men only. He likes that it’s anonymous and mostly arranged through email. In the past few years, he’s learned to screen out the deceptive users.
“Many gay guys like straight men. And a lot of the time, gay guys will say they’re straight to get guys using Craigslist,” says Peter.
Peter says he hasn’t maintained any relationships with people he’s met online. His intimate encounters are just sex. He hasn’t met with anyone more than twice. He frequently changes his advertisement and the email address the messages are sent to. He prefers men to be over the age of 30, fit, masculine and married.
Hookups using Craigslist are arranged quickly. But before he meets his catch of the night, he says he must see a photo first.
“Depending on what you’re looking for, sometimes you can put up an ad and get a message in five minutes. At the end of the day, most guys just want to get off. But I wouldn’t meet anyone if I didn’t know what they look like first,” says Peter.
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CASE STUDY #3: Straight couple, gay desires
Greg, 32, and Natalie, 27, are living common-law and have one child, aged three. They met online and have been together for five years.
Recently, Natalie told Greg she wants to have sex with women. The catch is she’s shy and wants Greg to join in on the fun. Greg agreed.
Using Plenty of Fish (POF), Natalie posts sexy photos of herself in the women-seeking-women section. In her profile, she lists herself as single and looking for a woman for dating. In her crafted section, she says she and Greg come as a package deal, and they’re looking for a woman to have fun with.
“We love each other, but we want to have fun, too. Natalie wants me to watch her fuck a woman. I’m not going to turn that down,” says Greg.
Since they started hooking up with women, Greg has opened up about how he used to love sucking cock as a teen. Natalie never knew this. They decided that after having a few threesomes with women, they would look for men to fuck both of them at the same time.
“Opening up about our sexual interests has brought us closer,” says Natalie.
Natalie and Greg both monitor their dating account. Natalie is usually the one to find someone interesting to talk with. If she likes the person, she sends nude photos and videos of herself and Greg. When Greg’s around, they sometimes flip on their webcam using MSN Messenger, where Natalie will give Greg a blowjob or Greg will finger Natalie. The raunchier they get, he says, the more interested people seem.
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