Let’s talk about sex

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The wish list:

Group sex, voyeurism and role-playing top our readers’ curious-to-try lists, while gangbangs score almost evenly on the curious and not-interested scale.

Cocksucking, blowjobs, kissing and mutual masturbation are all tried-and-true pastimes. Anal sex and rimming are up there, too, but more than 90 percent of our readers emphatically reject scat play, and 72 percent aren’t so keen to get fisted, either.

And a bunch of you had to look up sploshing (getting aroused when food is generously slathered on skin. Bon appétit!).

Tell me your dreams. Am I in them?

“Have someone cum all over my cock and then in my mouth as I touch myself.”

“Have a woman sodomize me with a dildo.”

“Get fucked by several complete strangers without seeing them.”

“Be on the receiving end of a 12-man Japanese bukkake party.”

“Be a prison slut with all the inmates and guards doing me.”

“Cum in a partner’s ass.”

“Assuming we lived in an STD–free world, be blindfolded and take anonymous loads from various men.”

“Get tied up and have my ass used by a bunch of blue-collar dudes.”

“Getting fucked by a large cock with a PA and no condom.”

“Be the centre of attention of a cocksucking marathon.”

“Be the pig in a ‘pot roast.’”

“Pleasure myself in front of more than five onlookers.”

“Do it in a four-door Plymouth Valiant.”

“Have sex at the water’s edge of a warm ocean with the waves washing in gently.”

“Sex in the locker room after a hockey game.”

“Have my guy fuck me while I suck an ex’s cock.”

Always leave them laughing

“Having just lost my virginity, I was on the hunt for more cock to ride. I was 19; a guy I was chatting with online was 17, a virgin and wanted to top for the first time. After a few drinks we went back to the apartment I shared with friends. I was completely amazed at how thick this young virgin’s cock was… Ignorantly, I thought I could mount his behemoth cock with just a little spit… It was a painful yet hilarious experience as we slammed furniture around my room, knocked things over and woke up my roommates with my screaming in pain as he desperately tried to slam his cock in my ass.”

“Accidentally closing the bathroom drawer on my dick while making out with my boyfriend on the bathroom counter.”

“Sitting in a steamroom while a naked man touched himself next to me. It was (surprise!) my best mate. We both screamed and ran from the room.”

“When I was a senior in high school I had braces, and it was about the same time my girlfriend and I started getting really serious and having sex. One day in English class I pulled one of her pubic hairs out of my braces and handed it to her with a big grin on my face while a friend of ours looked on with a totally confused look on her face. To this day, she still doesn’t get it.”

“Getting caught by my sister with her boyfriend in the shower.”

“Trying to have sex with my ex when a Vagisil commercial came on. We laughed so hard we had to stop.”

“The hamster got out and came crawling into the bed.”

“Getting stoned with my boyfriend and laughing through sex. Not just laughing but a constant stream of giggles, gales of laughter and full body–shaking laughter. To finish I shot my load up his nose by mistake. I was the only one laughing at that point.”

That was intense

“I was a 19-year-old college student with my legs up and on my back when I lost my virginity to a stranger in his 40s. I specifically travelled to his home to finally have my ass fucked…. I felt intense emotions, knowing the full extent of the risk I was running by barebacking a stranger. The high, the raw cock fucking my ass, the nerves, the loss of virginity — all intense emotions and pleasures.”

“At a bathhouse in Winnipeg, I received the most electrifying and arousing rim job in my life. The touch of his tongue to my ass sent thrilling sensations throughout my body.”

“The ‘rape/gang bang’ my partner set up for me a few years ago — hours and hours of non-stop sensation. I screamed during the entire event.”

“The first time I came inside another man. I thought my head was going to explode in a cascade of sparkling diamonds.”

“Anonymous sex frolic in a Thai nightclub’s dark room with a whole bunch of penises everywhere.”

“I was hitchhiking through the Nelson area. I was given a ride by a slightly older man in torn dungarees and check shirt, me in a lumberjack shirt and jeans. He stopped on a steep driveway and had sex with the engine running, his left foot on the clutch and right foot on the brake. The emergency brake didn’t work. I just about hyperventilated, but shot all over the place. Him too. It was right out of a porn novel.”

Never say never, but…

Recurring theme: respondents are really not into scat play. Watersports and fisting are also unpopular options. Several guys note they’ll never have sex with a woman, and one woman says she’ll never have sex with a man.

“I doubt there’s anything I’d never try if my partner was into it enough, but scat is probably over the line.”

“Anything to do with scat or fisting.”

“Unprotected sex.”

“Scat or blood or anything with animals.”

“There’s far more than one! Incest, pedophilia, scat, bestiality, necrophilia, to name a few. They’re all tied at the ‘absolutely never’ level.”

Scariest moments

“Waking up on someone’s bed getting fucked by a stranger and wondering where I was, then finding out he wasn’t wearing a condom.”

“Losing a toy.”

“Sex in a garden at Topkapi Palace in Istanbul. The guards carry machine guns.”

“Not being able to speak the same language as the guy I hooked up with while backpacking in South America, and finding out he was a huge drug lord.”

“Once, talking with someone, I found out that someone I had slept with was HIV-positive. I had had drunk, unprotected anal sex with him and was sick with worry that I had contracted the virus. For a week I was consumed with worry. Turned out we had been talking about different men who shared the same name. I still got tested.”

“Broken condom. Enough said.”

The perfect cock is…

“In my ass.”

“In my mouth.”

“Big enough to fit in my ass and mouth but not too big. Uncut with just the right amount of foreskin, clean, thick enough that when I put my hand around it my fingers don’t touch.”

“The one I am giving a BJ to!”

“Clean, thick and long with a slight curve. Long foreskin covering a bulbous head. Lots of veins. Low-hanging balls with a slight musky smell and naturally short and non-bushy.”

“Silicone.”

“Cut. I love the look of the ridge of the head through underwear and swimwear.”

“A 7.5–8 inches cut cock that is perfectly straight with no curves, is perfectly white with a red crown and precums like a bucket.”

“Hard, clean, willing, spurting down my throat.”

Angelically perverted

Respondents are split almost evenly between kinky and vanilla, with vanilla slightly in the lead (43 percent vs 40 percent). The totally perverted make a respectable showing in third (11 percent).

One respondent describes herself as “salsa” — a cross between kinky and vanilla.

The perfect pussy

“Willing, open, engorged, wet.”

“Neat, symmetrical, not too much loose skin, lickable without having to hold anything apart (that is, she shouldn’t have too overwhelming thighs), wet and warm to the touch.”

“Nice medium lips, trimmed bush, soft but tight inside.”

“No preference. I never met a pussy I didn’t like.”

“Clean-shaven and leaking cum.”

“The thing I love about pussies is that they are all so complex and different. To quote Forrest Gump, ‘[A pussy is] like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.’”

Like snowflakes

No two cocks are the same, but some are more unique than others.

“About two inches long and two inches thick like a potato. We fucked for six hours and I loved it.”

“A very, very large cock of 12+ inches… it was a challenge to get it in my mouth to suck but I did — well, at least the head.”

“It was almost a right-angled corkscrew. The only way to deal with it was in a 69.”

“It was tiny. Tiny! I was shocked and a little dismayed. But he was paying me.”

“A really small Asian man, about 5’4”, told me he had a surprise for me, and did he ever: 10 inches!”

“Twisty McBendy. I tried to be gentle with it because I imagined it was uncomfortable.”

“It was about an inch and a half long. I praised it for all it was worth and milked him into a most excellent orgasm.”

Sex ranks last, sort of

This might be a sex survey, but 71 percent of respondents rank companionship as their number-one priority. Romance comes in a distant second. Then sex. And yet the comments tell a slightly different story: “Sex in the short-term, companionship in the long-term, but I wouldn’t give up sex for companionship!”

Lick it, smell it, taste it!

Almost 60 percent of respondents like their lovers freshly showered, though 30 percent appreciate a hint of muskiness. One respondent particularly likes the smell of hair products and wet pussy. Others like the smell of chest hair, cock, crotch, cum and the “curve of her throat.”

Most respondents say they’re turned off by overly ripe body odour, “stinky balls, stinky ass, dick cheese,” bad breath, farts, “poop or dirty stuff.”

As one respondent put it: “Anything immoderate: too much cologne, too much after-shave, too much stinky, etc.”

“For me, it’s all about chemistry (pheromones?). I want a guy clean everywhere except his armpits. For me this means no deodorant, either. “

“RIPE. I can meet a guy and not think he’s attractive at all — he could be even a bit of a jerk — but if he’s got that ripe armpit/man scent… Wow! Instant attraction!”

“Prefer the genitals to not smell at all, though.”

“PLEASE Xtra, let guys know what a turnoff it is when they douse themselves with cologne! Personally, no amount is okay for me.”

Say it again, babe

“Your cock is amazingly hard. I want to look at your eyes while fucking you deep and hard and kiss you while you cum.”

“I want your fingers inside me.”

“How do you get an ass like that!?”

“I’m going to pull out and cum all over your hole, then push it back in and fuck you more.”

“You’re a dirty little faggot.”

“I’m still cumming.”

“He stopped kissing for a second then just looked at me and said ‘Wow,’ then he repeated that, like, 10 times.”

Don’t ever say that again, babe

“Shhh… I think my boyfriend just got home. Oh by the way, I have a boyfriend.”

“Scuze-me-sorry-I-gotta-take-this-call.”

“‘Daddy’s home’ during anal penetration.”

“I’ll be Margaret Thatcher to your Ronald Reagan — bring me to the summit.”

“Can you taste my swimmers?”

“You smell like my ex.”

Pricktionary

“Cock” is the clear winner when it comes to how male respondents refer to their genitals. “Dick” came in second at 53 percent, with the somewhat more clinical “penis” in third with 41.7 percent. “Junk” made a respectable showing with 14.6 percent.

On the female side, “pussy” tops the list of preferred terms for more than half our respondents, “cunt” comes in second with 37 percent of the vote, and vagina and vajayjay score 30.4 and 28.3 percent respectively.