Your future is stupid

I know, I know…a perfectly nice day and I’m paying attention to Pat fucking Robertson? Well, it’s a dirty job and all that…

But seriously, this clip from his still-disturbingly popular show is instructive because here, in one minute, is Pat laying down the entire conservative argument against homosexuality, equal marriage, the works. One minute to explain just what their problem with us is:

The real “ultimate conclusion” here is that Pat is a friggin’ idiot but you knew that already. Now I am hardly the chief spokesman for all gay men (or even most of them) but, for the last time, let me explain why this “long, downward slide” will never happen:

POLYGAMY: Isn’t it weird how it’s the religious people who want it the most? Gay men get the simple joys of the drama-free threesome as opposed to the terrifying episodes of “Big Love” I’ve seen — not because the Mormons’ multi-marriage lifestyle seemed immoral but because it looked exhausting!

BESTIALITY: To paraphrase Bill Maher’s joke, no thanks — if I feel a nose at my butt when we’re having sex, that had better be your twin brother! For all that gay talk about bears and chicken and pigs, let me tell you that wanting an animal in the bedroom is purely metaphorical.

PEDOPHILIA: I’ve joked before that until the children are old enough to properly mix me a martini, I have no use for them. But seriously? A culture that makes a role model out of Britney Spears in a schoolgirl outfit has no business lecturing gay men. We’ve read Nabokov.

So here’s to you, Mr. Robertson — you may have millions of daily viewers but your future is stupid. Canada’s been handling these issues far earlier and with more grace. My vision of the future involves David Hockney composing new paintings on his iPhone. Long downward slide? Please. Where we’re going, we don’t need roads…