Stray cat strut

Lezzies oppressed by evil city council

Politicians are busily denying that there is any systemic bias against lesbians in Toronto’s new anti-puss by-law.

“What did we do against the lesbians?” confusedly queries kittled city councillor, Kyle Rae.

Usually a keen-eyed protector of homo rights everywhere, the good politician says he ignored last month’s cat-fight at City Hall.

But the cat’s out of the bag: Fuzzy wuzzies are a gay issue. Somewhere, somehow, there are statistics showing that a disproportionate number of kitty owners are lezzies.

Rae says he ignored all the caterwauling. This despite the catcalls in the media (and at lesbian potlucks).

The pol says he’s no longer on the Board Of Health. And most of his downtown constituents are apartment dwellers where the deer, buffalo and other four-legged beasties don’t roam.

But the determined Rae is concerned about cat scratch fever. “In the States it is shown that the principle vector by which rabies gets to the human population is through cats who have got it from raccoons.

“We know that rabies is moving closer and closer to Ontario. I think it’s useful to get people thinking more seriously about the behavior of their animal and what is smart for them and what isn’t smart for them. Having cats loose is not going to be smart when rabies arrives.”

But what of the lesbians? Women are snarling at the idea of cats not spending their nine lives as free as the bird they might dine on.

City bureaucrats originally proposed that animal control officers pick up any prowling stray cats. All would have required leashes.

Some feared that neighbourhood feuds could result in innocent felines being euthanized.

But some on city council must have listened to the less than soft purrs coming from lezzie constituents because on Feb 4, they passed a version with less bite. After a three-and-a-half-hour debate.

The declawed by-law only allows cats causing actual damage to be locked up. A cat cutting its nails or leaving its mark on your neighbour’s roses might be cause for concern. If, on the other paw, it’s simply strutting its stuff (and leaving nothing behind) on the front lawn, it should be safe.

“I just think it’s silly and unnecessary,” says an outdoor cat who identifies her human as lesbian-about-town Lucinda Wallace. Puss is microchipped, fixed and well-versed in the poetry of Sappho.

“[We] do tend to use the backyard here as sort of a kitty litter because we have a lot of strays. Still, to me, it’s not worth it to complain. It’s not like [I’m] trying to steal a VCR or something like that,” says the cat.

Adds Wallace herself: “I just don’t feel threatened by” strays.


Lawyers reached by Xtra refused to discuss the possibility of success of a class action suit alleging mass discrimination against women who love women who love cats.

No gay dog owners would comment, as they were all too wrapped up in wayward leashes to spare a moment.

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