Rob Ford’s crack tape scandal: a helpful FAQ

So what the fuck just happened?

Earlier today, Toronto police obtained a video of Rob Ford allegedly smoking crack. You know, the tape Ford said he never saw and doesn’t exist? That one.

All right, and who’s this Alessandro Lisi guy I keep hearing about?

Lisi is an acquaintance of Ford and has just been charged with extortion. Earlier this month, he was arrested and charged with possession and trafficking of marijuana and conspiracy to commit an indictable offence. According to The National Post, Lisi has a pretty long list of shady dealing to his name, and police footage shows Ford and Lisi have spent a rather inordinate amount of time in each other’s company.

What does Police Chief Bill Blair think about all of this?

He’s very disappointed in Rob Ford. He’s not mad, just . . . disappointed.

Can Ford survive this?

Well, Marion Barry did, so I guess anything’s possible. The big thing to remember here is that the secret to Ford’s political career is something I call “micro-fracturing.” Allow me to explain: when you work out, your muscles start getting these tiny little rips and tears. The muscle will then heal back bigger and stronger than before. Ford operates the same way: he faces a small yet pervasive scandal, overcomes it, and ends up rallying even stronger than before because now he can claim victimization.

But unfortunately, this might be too big for him to handle. This is, after all, a video of him allegedly smoking crack. It’s entirely possible that for once, he won’t be able to bounce back and his support base may start jumping ship. But once again, there’s a precedent for people surviving this in the past, so who knows? Maybe he can ride this one out.

Will Ford resign?

According to CTV, Ford claims he “has no reason to resign,” although I assume he meant to say he “has every reason to resign, OH GOD GET ME OUT OF HERE.”

Since it was Halloween and all, did Rob Ford ever talk to the press while standing in front of a hilariously absurd yet weirdly fitting Halloween background?

You bet your sweet ass he did!

Is this going to get worse before it gets better?

Judging by what the CBC says, a good 320 pages of the 480-page police report will soon be released, so just assume that the shit is currently sailing toward the fan and is due to hit very soon.


What teachable moment does all of this offer?

I don’t know, maybe something about not electing giant man babies to office? Don’t vote for the guy you want to have a beer with? Either of those is fine, but the real lesson here is that crack is certifiably whack. Whitney Houton was right all along.

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