More evidence the moon is a lesbian: It’s wet

I have said it before and I will say it again: The moon is a lesbian.

In case you are wondering what makes me qualified to make such a brash claim, please be advised that I took a Very Authoritative and Scientific internet quiz titled “Are You A Sun Lesbian or a Moon Lesbian” mere hours ago. The results assured me that I am a “Moon Lesbian,” indesputably positioning me as an expert on all things sapphic and also lunar.

Besides, I’m hardly the first to pontificate on the queerness of Earth’s most cratered cousin. Evidence that the moon is one giant, low-gravity lezzie is ample. For instance:

• The moon—a gorgeous, luminous orb—controls the tides, clearly indicating that it’s in a long-distance (a.k.a. queer) dom/sub relationship with the ocean.
• Both Roman goddess Diana and Greek goddess Artemis were goddesses of the moon. They also spent their days roaming the forests and bathing with their devoted throngs of female nymphs in leafy grottos, which sounds pretty gay to me.
• The cycles of the moon were once said to cause “hysteria,” a catch-all term to describe any behaviour outside a restrictive patriarchal norm—from depression and anxiety to queerness to gender nonconformity. When two lesbians kiss it’s clearly because of the moon’s gay agenda.
• Witches were always said to be gathering beneath the moon and “dancing naked”—a thinly veiled innuendo for “having an outdoor orgy” if I ever heard one.
• Earlier this year, scientists identified an asteroid, 2020 CD3, which the Earth had pulled into its orbit. The asteroid, which was referred to colloquially as a “minimoon,” briefly hung out with the large space rock we know and love before leaving Earth’s orbit sometime around March. Everyone knows when two things exist in the same vicinity—especially when one is huge and one is tiny—they’re lesbians. (In this case, a U-Haul gone wrong.)

If the above weren’t enough to convince you of the moon’s lesbian status, this week, NASA unveiled some big news about our iconic celestial queer: She’s wet. New lunar observations have revealed the presence of water on the surface of the moon, after scientists found some molecules in areas lit by the sun. This isn’t the first time lunar water has been detected, but these new observations seem to indicate that some of the moon’s water may be much more accessible to humans than previously thought.

This news is perhaps most exciting to those with an agenda that is distinctly not queer: People who want to colonize the moon and probably Elon Musk. But plenty of unknowns remain. Scientists aren’t certain how much lunar water actually exists, nor whether it can be easily extracted. For now, would-be moon-miners will stay thirsty.

Long live the free, wet, gay moon. May she always keep herself well-hydrated .