The sex was great — until he moved in with me

Dear Dr Ren,

Two years ago I went to a work-related conference where I met Marcus. We clicked right away and arranged to meet more and more often. This long distance relationship led to him transferring here so we could be together full time.

Until we got to the same city, sex was great. Now he’s having more and more trouble coming. Sometimes he can’t at all. When he’ll talk to me about it at all, he says it’s just getting used to the change in our situation, and it’ll sort itself out. He says he’s still hot for me and I shouldn’t worry about it — he doesn’t. I’m not so sure.

Thoughts?

Can’t Make Him Come

Dear Can’t Make Him Come,

First of all, you are not responsible for your partner’s ejaculations. He’s right about that.

But you are wise to note that this change in your sexual pattern has occurred simultaneously with a change in your relationship status. Significant? Maybe. Maybe not.

Orgasm, and hence ejaculation, occurs at the peak of arousal. When relationships are new, sex is exciting and compelling. As commitment builds, burning need softens to smoldering desire, and the comfort involved in more mature relationships can dull the peaks of arousal. When people move from dating to mating, sex changes. It could be that Marcus is correct that his longer pop time correlates with increased domestic bliss and you two, like everyone else, will need to work at adding zing to your sexual menu. Could be you two need a little hot vacation sex!

What worries me is that you and Marcus cannot easily discuss this issue. That’s far more of a problem than the change in the timing of his ejaculations. Try accepting the sexual status quo while you learn to create a safe environment for communicating sensitive topics. You’re learning how to live together differently. Give it a bit of time. Pressure to perform will make the situation worse, not better.

Speaking of pressure, your lover’s relocation also means a new job description, office location, etc. The delayed ejaculation (DE) may correct itself as he settles into his new life. It really may have nothing to do with you. Patience may be the cure.

You’d be wise, however, to consider other common causes of DE, particularly side effects of drugs and medications. Anti-depressants top the list of culprits, but pain relievers, blood pressure meds, muscle relaxers, alcohol and even cigarette smoking can cause havoc. Don’t expect warning labels to mention specific sex-related side effects!

And while you’re at it, you want to eliminate any physiological causes that may have occurred coincidentally with your bf’s move, like neurological disease, multiple sclerosis, diabetes, thyroid issues, prostate-related problems, or other pelvic complications. If the problem becomes chronic, check T levels. While most cases of delayed ejaculation don’t appear to be organic, you’ll feel better if you rule out these possibilities.

Your previous intermittent meetings may have provided sufficient arousal to get your boyfriend off more quickly than what is “normal” for him. What he is experiencing now, in a more everyday setting, may be his standard. Only when he can feel accepted as he is, will he be able to discuss this with you. Get communication on track and you’ll be able to gather the information you need to assess what’s actually going on. Now it’s all just speculation. You may well be driving yourself crazy for nothing!

Lower your anxiety about this issue so that you two can discuss it dispassionately, eliminate external causes such as organic or pharmaceutical effects and give the situation some time to sort itself out. Though sex will probably not be like it was when you feverishly met in faraway cities, you will likely find that you will create a rhythm that suits you well.

Dr Pega Ren is Daily Xtra’s queer- and kink-friendly sex therapist, specializing in relationship and sexual issues, including concerns of the aging population. To learn more about her and the work she does, or to book a session, visit her website at smartsextalk.com.
Have a question for Dr Ren? Send an email to asktheexpert@dailyxtra.com.