Suck this, Twilight

I’m happy to say I’ve never been so bored as to watch the Twilight movies by choice.

But turn those moping teenaged girls and brooding bloodsuckers into floppy-haired young men who like to suck other things, and I’m there.

Welcome to Twinklight, perfectly timed for both Halloween and the DVD release of Eclipse.

It’s certainly not the first horror spoof/porn combo, but Twinklight is far above all its predecessors. Made without benefit of a major company’s backing, it’s a remarkable achievement in production, performance and the pornification of a movie series that so desperately begged for it.

We open with the unique and inimitable sound of a twink getting fucked. The twink in question is Skyelr Blue (who gets a smack for the name straight away), playing the pivotal Bella role (or in this case, Billa). Oddly, the entire scene is soft core, with nary a hint of genitals to be found. Symbolizing soon-to-be-lost innocence, perhaps?

At the sexually charged Club Piranha, Billa catches the huge hypnotic eye of good vamp Edmund (Krys Perez, who has a touch of the Luke Perry about him). While all the other young men in town flirt with danger, Edmund and Billa enjoy a chaste and gentle courtship, falling deep in teenaged emo love.

Hugely overdramatic music, intense emo dialogue, even emo-punk ballads on the soundtrack as the boys frolic in the snow: it’s so deliberately cheesy it’s brilliant.

It’s also more visually creative than almost any porn film I’ve ever seen. Billa’s delicious dream partnership with Edmund is all cushions and silks and soft focus, slow motion and billowing mist. And it totally works.

It’s also yet more proof that it’s the skinny little ones who carry the hugest tools.

I very much admire the lack of the clinical, repetitive in-and-out shots that dominate so much porn videography. Instead of being unrealistically crystal clear and perfectly lit, the nine varied sex scenes here are hazy and trancelike, more organic to the story, and they don’t drag on for hours. Edmund even gets a sepia-toned World War I flashback.

Twinklight tries to do something different, and it succeeds wildly. In some ways, it’s a parody; in others, it’s a loving homage. And in more ways than one, it’s genuinely romantic.

Oh God, I really am a teenaged girl after all.