How to get laid for the holidays

It’s time to share my greatest secret. More than once in my life I’ve heard someone say about me, “He’s not that great. How come he gets all the hot guys?”

Well, gentlemen, gather round. I’m going to tell you how I do it. I call it the Couture Magic Trick Bag and for the first time ever I’m going to open it up to the public.

I’ve learned through many years of trial and error that satisfying your man is not about looks or luck, it’s about preparation. So if you’re a guy looking to get laid and you want him to come back, here’s what you need to do.

The first thing you should have on hand is a good supply of booze — beer, wine and spirits. And not the cheap stuff, either. You can’t invite a man home for a drink if you don’t have anything to offer him when you get there.

Being ready usually pays off. Have you ever heard that old joke: What’s the difference between a straight sailor and a gay sailor? Two beers.

The next thing you need to make sure you have on hand is a good selection of porn. Not just gay porn, but a variety of gay, straight and bi. Lots of men don’t call themselves gay but will drop their drawers after half an hour of watching some chick get gangbanged and downing a six pack. Trust me, this works.

Your next item is also a must. I once overheard this older man inviting a sexy younger man at the bar to come home with him. The boy asked him if he had any poppers. The older man said no and the younger guy ditched him. I asked the older guy why he didn’t just buy some because they sold them right there at the bar. “I hate poppers,” the guy replied.

I just rolled my eyes and said to him, “It’s not about you, princess. Do you want to get laid or not?”

He still didn’t seem to get it. Don’t make the same mistake. Lots of men really love poppers, so keep a fresh bottle in the fridge at home at all times.

The next thing you need to keep on hand is a couple of joints. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve picked up some man who has told me later that pot makes him horny.

When it happens, I’m ready. Not long ago I picked up this young guy who said to me, “I’m not really gay but when I smoke pot shit happens.”

I said to him, “Now young man, I don’t approve of drugs, but in the interests of being a selfless and good host, here you go. Do you need a light?”

I really don’t approve of drugs. But, again, it’s not about me. I do strongly recommend that you stay away from anything harder than poppers and pot. If for no other reason than giving it to a guy for the purpose of sex will backfire on you. A lot of men can’t get hard or perform when they do serious drugs, and if that’s the case don’t shoot yourself in the foot by giving them such drugs.

The next item on your list is, believe it or not, cigarettes. Some time ago I had a man over and he ran out of smokes before we had sex.

“Dude, I can’t go without cigarettes. I might as well head home,” he said to me, and then left.

It happened again not long after that. This time I had learned my lesson. It was the middle of the night and my trick said he needed a cigarette. “I’ve just got to have a smoke after sex,” he said.

“You’re two for two,” I replied.

I told him I had a pack of cigarettes in the freezer and he could have one — after.

This cigarette suggestion is one of my more controversial tips. “I can’t stand cigarette smoke,” one friend complained to me.

“Then make him smoke outside,” I said, “but give him the damn cigarette.”

For me, if it comes down to a choice between clean air and having sex with a hot guy, it’s a no-brainer.

The next couple of items you should keep in your purse are fairly obvious: condoms and lube. The lube should flow as generously as the wine and you should plan to wrap your gift before you give it to your friend.

It certainly doesn’t hurt to have a couple of dildos lying around too. I remember this one particularly demanding bottom I brought home. I just couldn’t keep up with the guy. So I pulled out my trusty dildo. It never says no and it doesn’t need Viagra or throw attitude.

My last suggestion is perhaps my most conventional yet important staple: food.

Plan to feed your man, especially if he’s one you want to come back. Pot and porn may be the way into his pants, but food is the way to his heart.

The idea here is be prepared to satisfy virtually any vice on request.

Men, especially the younger ones, have more bad habits than money, and it’s your job to show him a good time if you’re hoping he’ll reciprocate. His comfort is your pleasure.

So that’s the secret to what you need to know in preparing every man’s essential trick bag. It’s not magic; it’s preparation. If you really want to get laid, get serious and go shopping.