For the past few weeks, we pitted 16 pets up against one another, until there was just one left standing: our queerest pet of all time.
Thanks to your votes, we’ve crowned our winner: Cauliflower, the one-eyed pomeranian!
Cauliflower wooed voters in the first round, against Link Ocarina Ivy, with her perpetual wink. She whisked her way through the competition — even up against influential pets like Lilly Singh’s Scarbro and Carmen Elle’s adorable kitty — into the final round, where she met her penguin daddy competitors, Sphen and Magic.
For being her fluffy, adorable self, and keeping it real in her puppy burrito, Cauliflower takes the W. Congratulations, Cauliflower, and keep living your best life.
This month, thousands across the world will vigilantly fill in their brackets for the 81st annual NCAA March Madness basketball tournament. Here at Xtra, we’re not big on heteronormative team competition. We do really like cute animals, though.
With your help, we want to crown the pet who reigns most supreme and most queer. Whether they’re owned by fabulous LGBTQ2 folks or are queer themselves (and yes, some are totally queer), they’ll all be competing against one another for the title in a three-round showdown.
We’ve provided the stats for each of our furry and feathered friends and broken the field into four brackets: the high-profile pets of Instagram; traditional celebrity pets; everyday cuties that deserve more follows; and, finally, the beloved others who don’t quite fit into any boxes (just the way we like them).
Each week, we’ll eliminate half of the roster — based on your votes — until we’re left with one champion: the queerest pet of 2019.
THE BRACKET
THE VOTE
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THE PETS
The Influencers
These pets were born into social media, boasting their own highly curated Instagram profiles.
Kid Fury’s Link Ocarina Ivy
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Link describes herself as the bad bitch in her Instagram bio, and that’s no joke: The child of podcaster and YouTuber Kid Fury, she’s been immortalized in fine art. She owns a Supreme jumpsuit. On her second birthday, she lamented that no other “living bitch that can amount to my beauty, wisdom or grace.” She goes hard, and we bow down to the baddest bitch on Insta.
Brittenelle’s Cauliflower
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Puppy burrito with a side of guac
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For starters: Her name is Cauliflower! But it gets cuter: This little pomeranian, who is the child of human influencer Brittenelle, also has one eye, making her the most adorable little pirate dog. She also looks great wrapped up in a scarf — or, as Brittenelle puts it, living her best life as a puppy burrito.
Scarbro the Dawg
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I make everyday Valentines Day. Let your girl know…
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You probably know Scarbro’s mom best as the YouTuber (and now late-night show host) Lilly Singh. But Scarbro has a massive following of his own, in part thanks to his phenomenal Photoshopped photos (seriously, he’s on a Drake album cover!). It also helps that he’s adorable in a onesie.
Pesto
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Pesto has it all going on: He’s fluffy, he’s teeny, he’s scruffy, he’s unabashedly queer. His dad, Eugene Lee Yang and one-fourth of YouTube’s Try Guys, makes sure he lives his best LA life — from walking the red carpet to hanging out poolside. It’s Pesto’s world, and we’re just living in it.
The People’s Choice
They may not have the same online reach as the Influencers, but these little ones — many submitted by readers — deserve more recognition.
Carmen Elle’s kitty
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Question: is a cat yearbook a good idea? @cevokey
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“Cute” cannot even describe Toronto musician Carmen Elle’s kitten. I mean, look at those big baby eyes! Those teeny ears! Those dainty little paws! It’s too much!
Kitty and Maggie
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A special shoutout to Matthew on Twitter for sharing his adorable feline babies. With Kitty and Maggie, you get double the fun. They bring the chonk. They’re gorgeous — even when they’re dressed as Spongebob Squarepants or a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. They stan Britney Spears. What’s not to love?
Meryl Haggard Streep
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Even if this most adorable little pupperoni doesn’t win our competition, we crown her with the best dog name ever. It also helps that she wears that whole raggedy, scruffy look real well. And she’s a rescue — the best breed out there.
Elio the Greyhound
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Elio has that mysterious cool guy thing working for him: He’s a retired race dog, a masterful wearer of bandanas and, as his moms describe him, he’s “pronoun indifferent.” Now residing in Montreal, this big boy is equal parts precious and handsome.
The Celebs
Famous by proxy, these pets belong to some of our favourite LGBTQ2 celebrities.
Hannah Hart’s Charles
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I can’t tell if this pic is super adorable or slightly disturbing. Thoughts?
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The YouTuber, Food Network host and author known best for her drunken cooking antics adopted this hairless cutie in 2017, adamantly owning the lesbian cat lady stereotype we all truly are. In his first online appearance, Charles dabbed on his haters, and we’ve been in love ever since.
Sara Quin’s Holiday and Mickey
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AdvertisementA post shared by Tegan and Sara (@teganandsara) on
Look, we’re not even sure if Holiday and Mickey are real cats, considering they just sit around like dopey humans most of the time. One half of the twin singer-songwriting duo Tegan and Sara, Quin describes Holiday, her first-born, as the superior of the two. “Holiday is smart and cool,” she told Vice, “and Mickey just follows me around like a dog.”
Mayor Pete’s Buddy
This holiday season, I hope your family–like ours–will discover the joy and share the love of a rescue. pic.twitter.com/n4xAtq8SP1
— Pete Buttigieg (@PeteButtigieg) December 19, 2018
Sure, Pete Buttiegieg could be America’s first openly gay president — but have you met his dog? Buddy is a one-eyed rescue pug-beagle mix, and he’s living his best life with Mayor Pete, getting scritches and belly rubs. He may have had a challenging start to life, but Buddy is clearly thriving. First Pup of America, anyone?
Ellen DeGeneres’s brood
The talk show queen is a longtime animal lover, and that means she’s mother to not just one but six pets. She has three dogs — Wolf, Augie and Kid — and three cats — Charlie, George and Chairman. They also served as the inspiration for her own line of dog toys and apparel, which makes them the best dressed of the bunch.
The Misfits
They’re not pets, but they deserve a mention — because they don’t conform.
Sphen and Magic, the penguin daddies
When no other couples in a young penguin colony at an Australian aquarium could care for unhatched eggs, happy couple Sphen and Magic stepped up to the task. Together, the lovebirds hatched the only egg in the colony last fall. Their little one, known currently as Baby Sphengic — the cutest portmanteau ever — is living in their pebble nest.
Darwin the Ikea Monkey
When Darwin, known best to the world as the Ikea Monkey, made headlines back in 2012, we should’ve have guessed he was queer: He was dressed in his finest faux-shearling coat and was serving looks for days. We’re happy to report that Darwin is now living at a primate sanctuary, where he’s bonded with a male baboon named Pierre. And yes, he’s still serving lewks.
Thomas, the bisexual goose (RIP)
It started with an unorthodox love story: Thomas, a goose in New Zealand, spent 24 years with his same-sex black swan partner, Henry. Then came another swan named Henrietta, and the three created the kind of poly chosen family we humans can only wish to have. In 2018, Thomas died at age 40 — but the memory of his beautiful queer swan family lives on.
Marlon Bundo, Mike Pence’s (fictional) gay rabbit
When First Lady Karen Pence and her daughter Charlotte penned a children’s book about a bunny named Marlon Bundo, Last Week Tonight’s John Oliver decided to write his own tale about Bundo, in which he meets another boy rabbit named Wesley — but learns he can’t marry him. (Eventually, the pair triumph in all of their gay bunny greatness.) The book, released just days before the Pences’, was an Amazon bestseller. We stan Gay Bundo in all of his glittery bow-tied glory.
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