New Year’s Resolutions

Did you make any for yourself? I normally don’t — my sweeping declarations on how I’ll improve my life usually come after every weekend — but this year, I’d thought I’d share a few:

— Work out like Hugh Jackman…even if it kills me!

— Get out there and have as much fun as a priest

— Stop upsetting Nancy Robertson with my pornographic hand-holding

— Stop hacking into celebrities’ Twitter accounts:

— Lay off the steroids!

— Study the Bible with Prince (cause he is funky!)

— Go on one of those detox diets that…what’s that? They’re crap? Woo hoo! Time for potato chips and coffee!!