Each weekday, xtra.ca tells you what stories have queer people talking
June 20, 2008
In the wake of California’s first gay weddings this week, petitions to ban gay marriage by anti-gay groups in Maine and Oregon failed to get the necessary number of signatures to go ahead. Sounds like we can pack up our Pride protests and call it a day but Oregon’s former Republican state senator Marylin Shannon says, “We’re just getting stronger… We’re getting tired of the way we’re being treated but we’re not giving up.” Is she bringing it? Oh girl, consider it BROUGHTEN!
For the first time in five centuries, the Anglican church is about to split over the western half’s acceptance of gay people. The faction refusing to join the 21st century says, “We earnestly desire the healing of our beloved Communion, but not at the cost of re-writing the Bible to accommodate the latest cultural trend.” They’re referring, of course, to “The Book of Woodstock,” in which Jesus preaches love and tolerance and all that other hippie bullshit.
“Little Britain” star Matt Lucas is getting a divorce from his partner Kevin McGee, after only being married 18 months ago. The British press has been merciless but take heart, Matt — he’s not the only gay in the village!
Singer Carly Simon revealed that, despite her earlier comments that she doesn’t consider herself “not gay,” she has not actually had sex with a woman. “I wish that I had,” she said, adding, “I have a fantastic boyfriend now who?s almost a woman.” Sorry Carly, but if having a fey boyfriend were all it took to earn lesbianhood, Liza Minnelli would be Rosie O’Donnell by now.
June 19, 2008
Convicted felon Larry Sinclair held a press conference today to repeat his claims that, back in 1999, he sold cocaine to Senator Barack Obama and then performed oral sex on him. While it would be terribly amusing to see Obama wagging his finger and vowing, “I did not have sexual relations with that crackhead,” Sinclair has already failed a lie detector test twice. Conspiracy theorists note, however, that he was arrested immediately after his speech on an outstanding warrant. Coincidence???
Wait — it gets better! Sinclair’s lawyer Montgomery Sibley showed up in a kilt, explaining to reporters that his above-average endowment makes wearing pants too uncomfortable. One reporter then asked Sinclair if Obama was well hung. See, this is why we love US politics — no one on Parliament Hill ever asks how big Stéphane Dion’s cock is.
A high school in Thailand is accomodating their transgendered teens with a third bathroom they call a “tranvestite toilet.” It reflects a growing tolerance and the students are happier but no one can figure out if the seat should be left up or down.
The Jonas Brothers must be stopped. Seriously. They’re the three faces of evil.
June 18, 2008
A new study from the UK claims that intelligent people are more likely to be atheists. Asked to comment on this finding, the Pope said, “Nuh-UH!”
George Takei from the original “Star Trek” creates a media scrum in West Hollywood when he and his partner Brad Altman fill out their marriage license on a historic day marred only by an idiot in a devil mask with a sign reading “Pervert weddings done here.” Will Captain Sulu’s battle against horrible Klingons NEVER end?
Meanwhile, the odious Family Research Council condemned gay marriage in California and the supposed end of the blah blah family blah with this newspaper ad last weekend: “Enjoy this Father’s Day…it might be your last. (PDF)” How silly — fathers will always be around (sometimes two!) but you have to wonder: for people so terrified of leather sex, the FRC sure are obsessed with daddies!
Like we mentioned Monday, those “Harry Potter” kids are growing up fast — Daniel Radcliffe, who’ll again appear nude in “Equus” on Broadway, stopped into a gift shop at the Tony Awards and bought a Skorcher Butt Machine. “They don’t have things like this in England,” he said. We know, Daniel — we’ve seen Hugh Grant’s ass.
June 17, 2008
We thought we’d seen every fetish by now but police in Ohio arrested a man for having sex with a picnic table. Under questioning, he admitted to humping the table in public but sometimes also dragging it into the house for those Barry White kind of evenings. We just hope he used protection — slivers are nasty!
A new study from Sweden adds to the evidence that homosexuality is based in genetics by showing a clear similarity between the brain structures of gay men and straight women. So much research, when all the scientists had to do was look at the lineups for the “Sex and the City” movie.
Amy Winehouse had her regularly scheduled rush-to-hospital yesterday after she fainted at home. Her spokesperson said Winehouse had been signing autographs for Canadian fans camped outside her home all day. That’s right, blame Canada — sinister Canucks wielding crack pipes flavoured with maple syrup to mellow out the harsh.
June 16, 2008
Having met in the early 1950s, lesbian activists Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon, both in their 80s, are officially getting married tonight in San Francisco. It’ll be the first same-sex wedding performed in California after the state supreme court overturned a previous ban that annulled the couple’s first wedding in 2004. Anti-gay activists are hoping a November referendum will restore the ban, apparently in a test to see how many times an elderly couple can return a toaster oven.
In 1996, mere days after her 42nd birthday, Isabella Rossellini was fired as the face of Lancombe for being “too old.” Now comes word that Chanel is replacing their model, 23-year-old Keira Knightley, with the girl from “Harry Potter.” Looks like Tyra Banks is going to find the Next Top Model using an ultrasound.
Blogger and “gossip gangsta” Perez Hilton comes to Toronto to present at the MuchMusic Video Awards, just days after admitting he’s had sex once in the last year. The cleaners at Steamworks are still trying to get pink hair dye out of the pillows.
Mike Myers confesses a man-crush on his “Love Guru” co-star Justin Timberlake. By remarking that scenes of the singer in a Speedo required “special effects to reduce the size,” Myers has ensured that everyone — gay or straight — will be sitting forward in their theatre seats, studying Timberlake’s package. Schwing!
June 13, 2008
Minister of Industry Jim Prentice unveils an anti-copyright-infringement bill that, unless Bob Rae can do something (sound of crickets), will allow the government to search your iPods and laptops and fine you $500 for any illegally downloaded item. And that’s just songs — who knows what they’ll make of all that Bel Ami porn (NSFW) on the hard drive? Hope you saved your receipts!
The Star tabloid makes the greasy claim that the twinkilicious Zac Efron avoids showering and prefers using baby wipes. Sounds gross but remember: Efron works for Disney. They had all his skin replaced with polyurethane sometime before “High School Musical 2.”
What’s the best gift when your lover’s been mauled by a white Benghal tiger? Five MORE tigers, says Siegfried Fischbacher, of Siegfried and Roy fame. He felt that the new tiger cubs would be “therapeutic” for the partially paralyzed Roy Horn. Sounds like true love… or the creepiest insurance plot ever.
Time to retire the phrase “sober as a judge” as a US federal appeals judge presiding over an obscenity case involving bestiality films was embarrassingly discovered to be the webmaster of a site also featuring farmyard frolicking. The trial was suspended and could be moved up to the US Supreme Court but might only unearth sites like Antonin Scalia’s SmokingCarrieBradshaw.com or Clarence Thomas’ IsThatYourPubicHair.com. It’s not like they’re wearing pants under those robes.
June 12, 2008
Prime Minister Stephen Harper briefly captures the good will of Canadians when he makes a historic apology for the assimilationist school programs for Native Canadian children that led to decades of physical and sexual abuse. Yes, Stephen, stamping on the rights of individual people while forcing them to conform to the majority IS terrible, isn’t it? Say, while you’re in the mood to apologize…
After jokes from Justin Timberlake and the TV show “Scrubs,” the word “bromance” (a platonic love between straight men) hits critical mass. It’s the title of an MTV reality show — produced by Ryan Seacrest — in which guys compete (even in hot tubs!) to become The Hills star Brody Jenner’s new BFF. Someday, hot straight guys will just make out with each other whenever the mood strikes them. That’s the world I want to live in.
Norway now has gay marriage. From 2001-2006, the country ranked number one on the UN Human Development Report, but why? Canada did gay marriage first and we routinely beat them in hockey — look again, UN!
It was rumoured a couple years ago that Bush advisor Karl Rove hired an exorcist when he took over Hillary Clinton’s office. Now, someone’s uncovered a 1994 essay by Bobby Tindal, the Republican Governor of Louisiana and a possible Vice President pick by John McCain. Tindal wrote that he participated in an exorcism that cured a girl’s cancer. While we all ponder just how truly crazy right-wingers can be, this FINALLY gives me an excuse to write, “Dick Cheney, your mother sucks cocks in hell!“
June 11, 2008
It Boy actor Shia LeBeouf apologizes for an old video in which he drunkenly goads a friend into bitchslapping him by calling him a faggot. The “embarrassed” LeBeouf apologized fast because, living in Los Angeles, he’d have a long lineup of faggots waiting to bitchslap him.
A study reveals that Canadian musicians are woefully underpaid, making an average salary of only $16,500 a year after taxes. You remember that Starbucks barista who looked like Avril Lavigne? That WAS Avril Lavigne.
In their ongoing quest to conquer Canada, Rogers will become the exclusive carrier of the iPhone, beginning July 11. By the end of this summer, all the truly fashionable gay condos will feature Motorola Razrs as drink coasters.
French model/actor Gilles Marini has enjoyed a massive career boost since his brief-but-memorable nude scene in the Sex and the City movie. He says he’s thrilled by the attention but wants to take his time in deciding on his next project. Mr Marini, I have a screenplay I think you’ll like — now for the sake of the audition, I’ll be playing the part of the female love interest…
June 10, 2008
The World Health Organization’s amusingly-named Dr Kevin de Cock admitted that, contrary to 25 years of education, AIDS is unlikely to become a global heterosexual pandemic. It does (and will) affect mostly sub-Saharan Africans, IV drug users, prostitutes, men who have sex with men and a steadily increasing number of women. You know… nobody!
Madonna announced plans for a sequel to her 1991 Truth or Dare documentary. It’s billed as a reunion — bringing back the original director, the production crew, Madonna’s quivering need to be a movie star and, from the backup dancers’ dressing room, an old tub of Vaseline that will be used to coat the camera lenses.
An Italian bishop has told a 26-year-old paraplegic that he and his girlfriend cannot have a church wedding because the young man’s car accident left him impotent — “a motive for annulment.” If this seems cruel, remember two things the Church has taught us:
- a) penis-into-vagina is the only morally acceptable form of sexual practice
- b) “vagina” is Italian for “altar boy”
Gay geeks freaked out upon learning that this week’s cliffhanging episode of Battlestar Galactica will be the last one until 2009! Between that and the CBC cutting back their support for Russell T. Davies’ Doctor Who and its omnisexual spinoff Torchwood, nerds will soon be so bored they might have to go out and have sex.
June 9, 2008
After a long and hard-fought contest for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States, Hillary Clinton suspended her campaign Saturday and endorsed opponent Barack Obama, who pledged to reach out to gay voters. While insisting he’ll fight for civil unions, Obama stops short of endorsing same-sex marriage — he’s offered to reach out but not a reach-around.
Conservative radio gasbag Michael Coren writes in the Edmonton Sun that the various federal and provincial human rights commissions are discriminating against him. Coren says they won’t come after him for having “spoken out against same-sex marriage, the excesses of the gay community and Muslim extremism.” Officials admit that’s true — it’s just that any attempt to punish Michael Coren would involve having to listen to Michael Coren.
Openly gay US Anglican bishop Gene Robinson was joined in a civil union with his partner of 19 years, Mark Andrews. The only hitch occurred when the priest asked if anyone objected and the population of Nigeria stood up.
Australian medical researchers suggest that a “natural condom” resistant to HIV could be created if men slather their penises with estrogen. The only stumbling block would be convincing men to slather their penises with estrogen. Still, it’s another great advance in girlyness from the people who brought you Kylie and Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.
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