Casper Smart and the zombie gangbang

A while back there was a rumour going around that J-Lo’s 25-year-old boyfriend is gay after some bitter dancer outed him on Twitter. At the time I wrote it off as wishful thinking, because every day it seems a new male celebrity is being outed. And I get it. Zac Efron is an ass-pounding fag in my mind because I want him to be (I know, I know, I’m the only one who fantasizes about Zac Efron doing the pounding . . .) But now that I give it a second thought, why the hell would anyone be wishfully thinking that Casper Smart is gay? He’s only kinda cute on allowance day, but that’s just because George Washington is a bigger aphrodisiac than a Zefron bulge shot.

So, Casper was photographed outside, and going into, an adult boutique in New York City. In Touch Magazine (which is right up there with The New York Times in terms of legitimacy), claims that there is an erotic massage parlour in the building where some bitch named Bibi, a professional hand job giver masseuse, claims that Casper went in for a little happy ending. Bibi also says he has “strong muscles,”which is New York City masseuse slang for “that hole is tight.”

Star Magazine, however, is claiming that Casper actually went into the building to see a peep show. Fred Willard is such a trendsetter! A source, who I’m sure wasn’t paid anything for his or her story, claims:

“Yeah, I’ve seen him. He was in here about three weeks ago. This is a gay cruising spot. You go into the booths, then you get all kind of tapping on the wall and propositions. It’s like zombies.”

Since Casper was photographed leaving the building 10 minutes after entering without carrying any purchases, I’d say this is the most logical explanation. Casper the friendly ghost was getting gang-fucked by a bunch of zombies! I mean, everyone knows zombies are one-minute (dead) men.

Keep Reading

The cover of Perverts

‘Perverts’ shows the cost of sexual self-censorship

Mac Crane’s short-story collection follows queer and trans characters who are both stuck—and free
Sun

Rosalía’s ‘Lux’ tour taught me things I didn’t even know I could know

After years of pining, I finally went to the Catalan superstar’s concert. I wasn’t ready for what it did to me
The protagonists of Blood Lines embracing

The big twist in ‘Blood Lines’ is more than shocking

Gail Maurice’s queer Métis romance takes a massive risk—letting it dig deep into the pain and loss perpetuated by colonial structures
A still from Girls Like Girls

‘Girls Like Girls’ once meant everything to me. I’ve outgrown it

Hayley Kiyoko’s new movie tries to recapture the magic of the mid-2010s music video it’s based on. But time has dulled its revolutionary edge
Advertisement