Boner preservation

Last August my sweetheart and I had what we have now taken to calling a speed bump in the road of our love. We broke up for almost two tragic tear soaked weeks.

When we finally talked about it, we came to the realization that we weren’t finished with each other yet. We still wanted to be in some kind of a relationship together, we just didn’t want it to look anything like the relationship we had just ended.

After extended bouts of painfully honest talking, we emerged with a new game plan.

We placed hot raunchy sex at the top of our list of priorities. We decided not to move in together when I returned to Vancouver. We restocked the toy box and signed up for a kinky weekend conference.

The brand new us model worked so well we founded a little organization dedicated to keeping the magic alive, complete with a mandate (definitely no pun intended) and mottos and credos and guidelines.

Due to both of our travel schedules and propensity for chatting, the Boner Preservation Society now boasts members (pun most certainly intended) all across the continent, a menagerie of like-minded folks of many genders dedicated to conquering bed death of all persuasions.

The benefits of BPS membership are so vast and fulfilling that we decided it would be downright selfish to keep them to ourselves, and that in the interests of love and world peace we needed to spread the umm… word as wide and hard as possible.

So here goes.

Imagine a slick looking letterhead and a sturdy, no nonsense font. The Boner Preservation Society. Our basic motto, in italics, would come right underneath the title: Feel This.

Right after that will come our mission statement in bold letters: Putting the cock back in lesbian bed death since 2007. This will be followed by an explanatory paragraph that states that membership in the BPS is completely free of charge and open to anyone who wishes to preserve the boner, and that boner is a non-gender specific term, as are hard-on, blow job, and ejaculating.

These terms are not open for discussion, as long winded arguments about whether or not female assigned individuals are capable of wielding boners or getting blow jobs are definite boner killers and are in direct conflict with the official aims of The Boner Preservation Society and are thus forbidden, please see above.

Next will follow the tenets of the BPS, which are malleable and flexible depending on the individual members tastes and predilections. Members are more than welcome to borrow or extrapolate on ours, but of course it is expected that each of us is ultimately responsible for seeking out, caring for and maintaining our own individual boners, and as such, the BPS wishes to keep rules regarding the boners of others to a bare minimum, in the interests of boners everywhere, especially as of yet undiscovered techniques or tips. An open mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Some of the tenets and guidelines my sweetheart and I have decided on are:

Want is a need.

Two blocks away is living together.

If you like it shaved, keep it shaved. If you pluck it, pluck it. If you like it hairy, then take care of it. Don’t slack on the personal maintenance. Even if you’ve been together for 20 years.

Make like every date is your first date. She’s put up with you for 20 years, the least you can do is bust out the moustache trimmer. Moustache trimmers, of course, are for much more than just moustaches.

Throw out any underwear that is stained, faded to a non-colour, full of holes or possessing elastic that is no longer interested in its work. Don’t argue, just do it. Yes, you do need that new matching bra and panty set or over priced pair of briefs with the newfangled piping. You do.

You probably need a new set of sheets, too. Think you can’t afford it? Even 800 thread count Egyptian cotton will still be cheaper than buying out her half of the Subaru and replacing all the CDs you forgot were hers if she leaves you for her yoga teacher. Think of the big picture. Think of your heart. Think of your boner.

The dog gets his own bed.

Relearn everything you thought you knew about knot tying. Google search two knotty boys. They will show you the ropes.

Foreplay is the new black. Do some research on pheromones, and when and how they are released, and the mental and physical effect of pheromones on arousal, and even love. Pheromones are secreted through the skin as a result of being touched. It’s scientific. Someone did a study. I even heard it on the CBC.

Kiss for a minimum of 10 seconds at least twice a day. No matter what is going on, or how late for work you are. Involve your tongues. Necking is not optional.

Think of something you have always wanted to try, and try it.

These are a few examples of what works for us. We have found that when actively practicing the tenets of the Boner Preservation Society, the trickier aspects of a healthy relationship somehow become easier. Complex things like intimacy, honesty, tenderness, and trust are a whole lot easier to get a handle on when you are both sore from all that fucking.

There are things that we have decided are boner killers, but I have decided not to list them here here, mostly because thinking about them kills my boner. Please see above.

There you have it.

Membership in the BPS is expanding everyday. We now have a heterosexual caucus and a menopause advisory board. We are currently seeking sponsors and are considering developing a crest that can be applied to products and services that are officially recognized by the BPS as boner inducers.

So help us spread the word. Find your boner, and love it like it might be your last.

Piece be with you. And also with you.