Age of Aqueerius

Scorpio

This is your favourite time of year! Think of all the layers you can remove as you begin your winter seduction rituals.

Sagittarius

Learning a new skill is losing its charm. Maybe you should focus instead on doing something you used to do well, badly.

Capricorn

Nothing is pleasing you this week! What can we do to turn your frown upside down? Schadenfreude! Look it up.

Aquarius

When I used to sing and dance and act (in addition to pissing off all my friends with my wandering jazz hands), I gained such pleasure from my ability to entertain. You don’t want to admit it yet, but there’s a nagging showgirl in you, too.

Pisces

Despite the heteronormative implications of “Can’t Help Lovin’ Dat Man” (in which fish are referenced — see the tie-in?), I think you’d do well to play the field a bit. It’s a big ocean.

Aries

What’s the scariest decision you’ve ever made? How does it compare to the big one coming up on the horizon? Contrast and compare. And then breathe.

Taurus

I’ve developed a sixth sense *in addition to my psychic biweekly horoscopes* that allows me to predict when a Taurus is in a crap mood. See if you can hone your own and spare the rest of us your wrath.

Gemini

In summer you were all like, “Ugh, the warmth is making me want to die! I am such a sweaty mess!” while the rest of us were all like, “This perfect weather makes life worth living again.” If you utter a single complaint about the shitstorm of cold we’ve got now, I’m going to cut you.

Leo

Shorter days equals longer nights . . . *wink

Virgo

Maybe you should indulge in some serious TV watching. Fact is, you have to do something now that you’ve finished eating your way through the apartment.

Libra

Wintertime inspires some of your most creative ideas. Without the distraction of playtime outdoors, you can finally hatch some of your secret plans. And then ignore them again in the summer.