10 things we learned from Pride

So it’s over. Pride is finally over. And I promise, this is the last Pride-related post until Toronto Leather Pride. So what have we learned this year?

#1: If you’re marching, always wear practical footwear. I know you think your boots make you look butch or your heels make you look fierce, but by the time you’re finished your feet will have been pulverized into hamburger meat.

#2: Pride diets are overrated. I know you think not eating carbs for a week will make you skinny, but honestly? It’ll just make you cranky and tired and low-carbed. Just eat a friggin’ bagel.

#3: This one is for the drunk straight people: Really? You’re gonna get sloppy drunk on our turf? It’s not like we get shitty and then fall all over ourselves when you’re trying to watch Truck-A-Saurus eat a Volkswagon, so don’t ruin our thing.

#4: Glitter is still annoying. If you want some sparkles, use sequines, or literally anything else that won’t rub off and stick to people at the slightest touch.

#5: For three bucks, you can get corn on the cob dipped in butter. Not lightly brushed; they literally just DIP THAT FUCKER in melted butter. We’ve reached the pinnacle of human achievement.

#6: “Well, Pride is a social event, so let’s all play music as loudly as possible so no one can actually talk to or hear one another.” – A conversation that must have happened at some point. Prove me wrong here.

#7: No matter how hard they try, pop music will never create a song as ubiquitous at Gay Pride as Lady Gaga’s fucking “Born This Way.”

#8: Guess how many of the go-go boys hired this weekend were actually gay? . . . Lower! . . . Lower! . . . You’ll have to dip into the negative intergers for this one.

#9: Remember En Vogue? They’re still a thing, and you’ll never be able to get the breakdown from “My Lovin’ (You’re Never Gonna Get It)” out of your head now. HAHA!

#10: Underneath all the partying and music and parades and sex, Pride is still meant to be a celebration of the Stonewall Riots and the gay rights movement. It never hurts to take some time out of Pride Week to revisit that history and pay tribute to those who made stuff like this possible.