For every sunrise, there is a sunset. For every beginning, there is an end. Everything is made infinitely more beautiful with the knowledge of its impermanence. Or, to put it in language that’s easier to understand, The Simpsons has been on for something like 23 seasons and everyone I talk to won’t shut up about how it stopped being funny after the eighth. Everyone’s a critic like that.
My point being no one can stay in front of the camera forever. There comes a time in every pornstar’s life when he must hang up his spunk-covered chaps and set off for new horizons. What exciting new jobs await retired pornstars? Here are the five most popular.
DJ
I have no idea why, but there’s something about spinning tracks for a crowd of drunken dancers that attracts the pornstars, and there have even been a few successful ones —Tristan Jaxx, Pierre Fitch and Chi Chi LaRue. The beautiful thing about being a pornstar DJ is that you can actually do this job while still working in porn, which means you can build up esteem before going into it full-time.
Musician
I’ve touched on this briefly in the past, but numerous pornstars have tried their hands at singing, the most famous being Colton Ford. Actually, if you happen to have an iTunes gift card burning a hole in your pocket, Ford has something like four full albums, as well as a handful of EPs, available.
Author
The best authors write about what they know best, which is why, until Xtra starts a column about hard cheeses, I’ll be writing about porn for a looooooooong time. And as sex is something of a common thread connecting humanity, books about porn and fucking tend to be big sellers. The most well-known example of a gay pornstar turning out novels would have to be Aiden Shaw.
Actor
Not every gay pornstar is a bad actor. Admittedly, most of them are, but that’s neither here nor there. Many former gay pornographers have made the leap from the sleazy screen to the silver screen, albeit in bit parts and cameos. Hell, Brent Corrigan even managed to snag some screen time in the Academy Award–winning picture Milk. I mean, yes, it was only for about two seconds, but hey, the guy’s gotta eat.
Porn
To paraphrase that one Sara Bareilles song they played on Community — the Jeff/Annie fans know which one I’m talking about — something always brings men back to porn, and it never takes too long. Whether it’s for the money or the sense of familiarity, it’s always nice to see a veteran make his return to where he’s most beloved. But like the Avenue Q song says, everything in this world is only for now. So to the retired porn boys: may the wind be at your back and the cock be in your ass.
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