Ellen DeGeneres for president

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I am a homosexual and I am panicked.

Okay, maybe not panicked. But I am concerned. I mean, aren’t you?

I’m concerned about a lot of things. Straight bars from Granville St infiltrating the Davie Village, global warming, the idea that we might in fact find out, someday, that Tom Cruise is actually gay and then we’ll have to claim him as part of our community.

I’m concerned about the fact that not one of the candidates who have stepped forward in the bid to become Vancouver’s next mayor is even remotely queer.

And I’m concerned about the upcoming US presidential elections.

I know what you’re thinking. Why should Canadians, or more specifically queer Canadians, be panicked about the US elections?

The answer is simple. Though the US is clearly a country in decline, it is still the superpower of the world, our nearest neighbours, and frankly, there’s a lot of them. Looming just a few kilometers south. We can’t help but pay attention and sometimes even be panicked.

Barack Obama is poised to become the first African-American president of the United States of America. A few months ago, it looked as though Hillary Clinton might become the first woman to rise up to the highest, most shatterproof glass ceiling in the world and smash through it.

Western civilization has reached a pinnacle of inclusiveness and diversity when the U S of A is seriously and collectively considering turning over the keys to the White House to a woman or a person of colour.

Look how far America has come since John Fitzgerald Kennedy challenged the status quo to become the first Catholic president. Well, I say it’s time for the first queer president.

A lesbian or gay man in the Oval Office. Forget about the White House. I say bring on the Pink House.

Speaking of which, if Barack Obama becomes president, will they still call it the White House? If there could be a Black House, is it possible that Barack and Hillary are already paving the way for a Rainbow House? Could the United States of America be led by a barhopping, GQ style-fag with six-pack abs? Or a left-leaning, pussy-eating, libidinous lesbian?

If I were in charge, I know who I would put forth as the US presidential candidate, and it wouldn’t be Ms Clinton or even the clearly electable Obama. If I were in charge, I would put Ellen DeGeneres in the driver’s seat of the most powerful, though rapidly declining, superpower of the world.

Ellen has all the attributes to make a fabulous president. First of all, she looks good in a suit, much better, in fact, than most former presidents and every prime minister in recent memory.

She’s smart — though of course when it comes to America’s current president, my five-year-old nephew can outwit him.

Ellen is funny, articulate, keeps herself informed about current events. And she’s passionate in her beliefs (remember how she cried over the dog she was forced to give back to the pound?).

How great would it be to have someone with a sense of humour controlling the Pentagon?

In the current state of affairs in America, with rising gas prices, rapidly declining levels of health care, rising unemployment and the mortgage crises, while middle America is collectively sitting by the side of the road surrounded by furniture about to be repossessed outside their foreclosed houses, at least they’d be laughing.

Moreover, she’s a trendsetter, an important attribute in a president.

Before JFK became president it was practically unthinkable to leave the house without a hat. But Kennedy didn’t like hats, never wore one. Within months of his inauguration, people all over the country were shedding their hats. If Ellen were president she’d popularize the fashion trend of running shoes with a business suit.

I mean, really, it’s a no-brainer. If America could twice elect Ronald Reagan, a two-bit B actor to run their country, why wouldn’t they want a former stand-up comic who starred in her own sitcom, and is now the leading daytime television talk show host?

Even after she’s sworn in, she could keep her show. Can you imagine? She’d invite all the important world leaders to be on Ellen.

And what about her ideal running mate? After examining the contenders and weighing all options, I’m torn between Carson Kressley of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy — think of how he could makeover America’s most important elected officials — and Nathan Lane, who looks vaguely vice-presidential and could be on hand so that whenever Ellen runs out of jokes, he could burst into a musical number.

All things considered, an Ellen DeGeneres/Nathan Lane team would be just the ticket to alleviate my most recent state of homosexual panic.