Cock the Vote

I have this theory as to why American politics tends to be a little more exciting than Canadian politics. No, it’s not because our more severe media guidelines keep us from passing off sensationalism as hard journalism. No, it’s not because we have a wider field of political parties that doesn’t split the country between two bitterly antagonistic yet eerily similar ideologies. It’s because Canada, for all our socialized healthcare, bilingualism and surplus of beavers, has never had a fuckable prime minister.

Seriously, have you seen some of the men we’ve elected to office? Jesus. The US is kicking our ass here, people. Not only is Barack Obama America’s first black president, but he is also the first president who looks like he would treat you right in the sack. Even Romney has it going on in the whole “sit on my lap and call me daddy without crying and I’ll pay your mortgage” way. Comparatively, Stephen Harper looks like a drowning victim who got pulled out of the ocean too late. How Rob Salerno continues to fuck him is beyond me. (Viagra? It’s Viagra, isn’t it?)

Just to kick our ass even further, former fitness model (read: soft-core porn model) Andre Barnett was running for office in the recent American election with the Reform Party. I mean shit. SHIT! How are we supposed to compete with that? The guy has pecs like two medium-rare steaks and an eight-pack. An eight-pack, for Christ’s sake! Canada, we need to step up our game. Do you think Brent Everett would run as an NDP candidate, or would he be more of a Liberal Party kinda guy?

The fact of the matter is Canada needs a pornstar to run for office. It doesn’t matter what they believe in, what their political affiliations are, or if they even understand what the job entails. Hell, Rob Ford went on the record saying even he doesn’t know what the fuck he is doing! Nothing would reinvigorate Canada’s democratic system like Pierre Fitch running on behalf of the Bloc Québécois.

Granted, we’ve been improving this year. When Justin Trudeau and Patrick Brazeau agreed to compete in a charity boxing match, it seemed like we were finally getting somewhere. At last! An opportunity to see the twinkishly charming Trudeau strip down alongside swarthy muscle hunk Brazeau for the weigh-in. The fact that they then proceeded to punch each other in the mouth until one passed out was a bonus.

What’s that you say? Voting for a candidate based solely on his or her physical appearance is shallow and cynical? Well, perhaps you’re right, straw man. A truly democratic country shouldn’t base votes on aesthetics. It’s time we go back to voting the way our founders intended: by supporting principled politicians who are willing to make unpopular decisions with the long-term goals in mind. Ha! Kidding. Just vote along bitterly divided party lines, regardless of policy or character like always. O Canada!